Movies too bad NOT to be classed as masterpieces - Part III

11. Freddy Got Fingered - 2001

Disgusting, disturbing and ridiculous. And pathetic. Repulsive, unecessary and lame. Moronic and childish. Think of any negative adjectives and they can be used to describe this movie. The good thing is it doesn't take itself seriously. The bad thing is it exists and now, the image of Tom Green masturbating an elephant will forever be the backdrop of my nightmares.

Can you believe Drew Barrymore played a part in this film and not only shagged him, but actually married this douche?

12. Passion in the Desert - 1998

The Scarlett Johansson of movies. A man gets into a relationship with a leopard he calls Simoom. Yes, you read that right. A man falls in love with a leopard. Honoré de Balzac wrote it, someone turned it into a movie and art-freaks everywhere rejoiced. Unfortunately, if you want to find out exactly how bad Passion in the Desert is, you will have to watch it simply because there are no words in any language to precisely describe it.

I know what you're thinking and no, that's not Leigh Francis

*My closest friend and I are, to this very day, "selling" this movie to the people we hate as a brilliant masterpiece. So to anyone who might be reading this that has heard us talking about Passion in the Desert in an orgasmic manner, now you know.

13. Battlefield: Earth - 2000

In 1982 L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the religion of Scientology, wrote a science fiction novel. In 2000 it was turned into a movie and John Travolta starred in it for no reason other than him being of the same faith. 

It wasn't a good enough reason.

Note: I shouldn't really say words like "faith" and "religion" when referring to Scientology seeing as it's an utterly moronic concept but I'm feeling generous today.

14. Killer Klowns from Outer Space - 1988

Alien clowns use ray guns to wrap people in a cotton candy cocoon they can feed off. Killer pies may or may not be involved (they are) in this classic horridness from the 80s. Cotton candy and pies. Oh, and pop corn that turns into mini clownesque creatures. Fantastic!

This right here, this is the stuff dreams are made of.

15. Gigli - 2003

IMDB describes it as violent story about a criminal lesbian (Ben Affleck), a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold (Justin Bartha), and a retarded man (Jennifer Lopez). I would simply describe it as violent (towards my senses) and retarded. J-Lo and Ben Affleck are more horrible than ever with no chemistry between them and sadly, not even Al Pacino, who inexplicably appears out of nowhere for a couple of scenes and then fucks off, can save this wreck of a movie. And yes, yes, I know, the names. But maybe this casting would have made it a bit more interesting.

Give this woman an Oscar!

These past few days that I've been writing about these movies I've actually felt my IQ drop quite a few points. I really need to watch a normal film tonight. Part IV will have to wait until I feel emotionally prepared to go through another psychological fist-fucking. Until then...

Gobble, gobble.

Part I here
Part II here

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Movies too bad NOT to be classed as masterpieces - Part I

For me Sunday has always been movie day so this will be the topic of today's post. Movies that bamboozled me the same way Twilight did.  Hopefully you're not all in a drunken haze from last night so pay attention for I present to you, in no particular order: 

Extremely bad movies that we should all watch at least once in our lifetime

1. Showgirls - 1995

Boobs everywhere and it was still absurdly awful.

Anyone involved in the making of this horrific nonsense should be shot.

2. The Happening - 2008

Alternate Title: The What the Fuck Is Happening. 

The plants are emitting a toxin that affects anyone to come in contact with it in a macabre way. It's nature's time to fight back and while people are committing suicide in imaginative ways, Mark Wahlberg is looking more confused than ever and Zooey Deschanel is looking, well... dead (too white, too googly-eyed, too soulless). There is simply not a reason good enough why in the year 2008, an extremely famous director with big first names and a huge budget came up with this. 

Laughable.

3. The Shadow - 1994

Favourite childhood failure. Alec Baldwin is The Shadow, a man capable of invisibility and clouding people's minds. He fights Shiwan Khan, his arch enemy, who is trying to build an atomic bomb and kill the object of his affection, a crazy-looking Penelope Ann Miller.

Awful but you laughed didn't you? Hopefully Alec Baldwin is as ashamed of this movie as I am of him when I watch it.

4. The Room - 2003

I'm actually watching this movie tonight so I can't say anything about it other than it comes highly recommended. Come tomorrow I will gladly remove it if it's not that bad or if I don't enjoy the awfulness but after seeing the trailer

I don't think I will.

*EDIT* I just finished watching it. Not only does it stay but it will probably get its own post soon. Easily the worst movie I've ever seen.

5. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - 2009

Everything you would expect from a movie with that title. Mrs Superhans, this is for you.

Honorary mention:

For Y'ur Height Only - 1981

If you couldn't be bothered watching any of the trailers in this post, watch this one. No really. Watch it.

Bottom line: You never know when you might stumble upon a gem so never snub a movie just because it looks shit or you don't like the actors. And always watch movies you are uncertain of with a friend. Somehow, that makes all the difference between laughing hysterically and wanting to kill yourself.

This is part I of a series of posts on this topic. I have a lot of repulsivness to share. If you have a lame movie in mind, share it with me and if it is especially appalling it will make part II. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a movie to watch.

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