The Twilight Saga and the weird situation it put me in

I used to hate Stephanie Meyer, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and anyone who had anything to do with the abomination that is known as the Twilight Saga.

The series of doom

The books are the literary abortion* of a middle-aged woman with no talent (unless consistently misusing her Microsoft Word thesaurus can be classed as a talent) who obviously hasn't had an orgasm (or a proofreader) in decades. The movies are as close to the books as can be so don't expect anything there. The casting was either moronic or brilliant, I have yet to decide. And the overall message is, frankly, appalling (not that I care).

Courtney Love called. She wants her face back

Now, I know I'm late and everyone and their grandmother have had something to say about Twilight but I only just watched the first trilogy and read the books. Why, you might ask. I spent so much time making fun of Twilight fans only to have them tell me I cannot judge it unless I watch/read it. So I did. 

I watched the movies back to back. I was hooked. I downloaded a free Twilight app on my phone with all the books and I couldn't stop reading. That's when it hit me. I had become a twihard. God help me, I'm a glittervamp fan. But not the way you might think. 

I found the material (be it book or movie) to be so incredibly bad, so mind-numbingly boring that it was actually good. I was turning the virtual pages and I kept laughing and laughing... I was pausing and rewinding scenes from the movie, watching them over and over until I was in tears. I actually found myself feeling sorry for the actors, well, except Kristen Stewart (you can't act dear so just show us your tatas already and be done with it). I was craving the next piece of dialogue like a new-age metro-sexual vampire craves sparkly lip-gloss thinking it can't possibly be as bad as the last one. And every time, it was. Hilarious! 

Feel. Say nothing, just feel

And just like that, it was over. I had nothing more to watch, nothing more to read. And I felt empty. I mean, I had been lost in a world where vampires sparkle and wolves fall in love and give promise rings to half human/half vampire newborn babies (I wish I was joking), where would I go from here? 

I want to love your firstborn

Nowhere. I remain lost. I'll start watching any idiotic movie I can get my hands on but I doubt I'll find one that takes itself so seriously that so effortlessly becomes an unintentional masterpiece. I can't wait for the next movie. I would pay to watch it but I won't. I'll download it LEGALLY and watch it from the comfort of my couch where I can laugh out loud, comment to my heart's desire and masturbate over my dead brain-cells.

So, all of you who have made it your life's purpose to keep away, you are missing out. Give in, watch the movies and you will love them. Just not the way everyone else does. Don't start watching and expect to see a masterpiece like, say, Interview with The Vampire (note: subtle sarcasm) and you will laugh your ass off. Even better if there is an actual twifan in the room. Bonus points if that fan is over 30 (twimoms, you are in need of psychological help) and you manage to not get hit in the face with her favourite Edward Sparkles doll.

Bottom line: Yes. A great, big yes. Bring the mini-fridge next to the couch, stock it up with beers and start watching. If I can do it, anyone can.

*I had to google to make sure I spelt it correctly. The second entry is this. I find this to be hilarious.

SPOILER ALERT: As you already know, the post you just read contains spoilers. If I *ruined* the movie for you, I'm glad. And Snape kills Dumbledore.

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