The art of being a scarf-wearing, self-righteous bourgeois anomaly...

...most commonly known as a vegan. Now before we start, let me get something out of the way. Vegetarians who have made the decision for themselves and do not rub it in other people's faces, whatever your reasons may be, we're cool, you may be excused. Everyone else, read carefully, especially if you look like this:

To whomever started this trend: Fuck you

How sad must your life be if you so desperately need to belong somewhere, anywhere, that you choose to be a nutritional Scientologist? You can say you do it out of love for animals but I am an omnivore and I too love animals. I love them medium-rare and tenderly marinated in delicious barbeque sauce. Look at this and tell me your mouth isn't watering.

You are lying to yourselves

Vegan-ism and all the subgroups (raw vegans, fruitarians etc) are mostly people who jumped on the bandwagon - they are part of a pop-culture more than they are part of a life-preserving "movement". No different from teenagers posting profile pictures of themselves in hipster glasses making pouty faces (most vegans are teenagers posting profile pictures of themselves in hipster glasses making pouty faces anyway).

I didn't even edit it

Vegans are so ill-informed and misguided that in their efforts of preserving herbivore life, they are denying their nature and have turned into grass-eating herbivores themselves. Or a-vores. Cause lately we have been getting a lot of people not eating anything that casts a shadow *enter hysterical laugh*. You lying bastards. Most of you are secretly eating fish, eggs and/or meat because the chances of you staying healthy if you don't, are slim.  Fatigue, depression, vitamin deficiencies are only some of the health issues strict vegans have to face until they give in and have a scrumptious, succulent steak. If you don't believe me, ask your doctor (no, your Chinese acupuncturist is not a doctor) what he had for dinner last night.

Bottom line: If you want to spend the rest of your years as depressed, lifeless carcasses then you might as well voluntarily throw yourselves on my plate because that's what we, normal people, do - we put our incisors to good use by eating the delicious beings that have little or no interest in meat. We don't eat wolves but we do eat cows. If you can't eat me, I will. I'm not a cannibal but my point is, I could be. And you would be the entrée. And that's what would happen if we flipped the situation around and omnivores suddenly lost their shit and turned into strict carnivores. We would eat you. But we won't. Because we're not sick in the brain. You know why?

Because of our balanced diet.

I realize that in this post I talk about pretentious douche-bags and for some reason I failed to mention the always relevant Starbucks. 

So... Starbucks.

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