Saturday Smackdown: Katie Holmes vs Penelope Cruz

If you're one of the awesome people who keep coming back to read my ramblings you might remember that I decided to do this a Saturday "thing" and even though I'm critically injured and would much rather be whimpering in a corner wrapped up in blankets like a fajita, I'll follow through because I'm cool like that.

Today's duo has been chosen strictly because of Crazy Tom who, I must shamefully admit, I find rather fascinating; fascinatingly awful. Both of these women have stood by his side at some point in time - Cruz back when he was sane, Holmes after he crossed over to the dark side. There is also Nicole Kidman but I might make her go against today's winner soon, I don't know, I'm not making any promises and don't hold me to that.

A hint of where this is going

Let me begin by saying that the amount of pictures out there featuring both of these women is staggering - and I don't mean "normal" pictures. A simple Google search with the safe mode off left me amazed, not only at the quantity, but also the quality of pornographic material. Seriously, the effort people put in creating realistic pictures of, say, Katie Holmes covered in semen, is nothing short of impressive - but what does it mean?

Are you still not getting it?

It means that men like both of them. There is no greater validation for a female celebrity than having her head superimposed on the photo of a woman having sex with a mustached octopus (the things my eyes have seen). As much as you like your hot neighbour though, don't do that with her photo. Normal people generally frown upon such displays of affection.

Back on track. Why do men like them? In Katie's case I don't fucking know but with Penelope, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Let's break it down.

Penelope Cruz dated Tom Cruise back when he was still handsome, successful and coherent and when he started going batshit crazy, she upgraded to Javier Bardem. Who doesn't like Javier Bardem? All women want to shag him and all men want to be him or at least hang out with him. The man oozes awesome. They make a nice couple, they keep to themselves and they look genuinely happy without unecessary kissing and squeezing in public.

Normal couple

Cruz hangs out with Salma Hayek and Pedro Almodovar. Pedro Almodovar. Your friends define you and her friends are interesting, talented people.

Career-wise she's pretty average; I find her Hollywood movies to be incredibly bad but her Spanish movies are usually kick-ass. No, I'm not a pretentious asshole - being Spanish, acting in her mother tongue should come much more naturally.

And then there's Katie Holmes. She started going out with eccentric Tom Cruise and within a year she got engaged, married and had a child with Tom the Insane Scientologist; the man who jumped on Oprah's sofa to make sure everyone knew how much he adores his new lover (loser).

Every time they go in front of cameras they slobber all over each other making it extremely difficult for anyone watching not to vomit care bears. It's so fake, it's embarrassing.

Insane, desperate closeted gay man and his puppet

It's pretty obvious she was hoping being married to him would help her career but she wasn't expecting Crazy Tom becoming so engrossed in his religion that he would forbid her from making movies where she would have to have a love interest or demand that she spends hours in a sauna to cleanse herself while pregnant (what a creepy fucker).

From OK! Magazine

"The mother's body is a pure vessel for the soul to come through" a Scientology insider tells OK!. "The baby's soul must inhabit its pre-birth body with the clear intention that it wants to be born."

According to the source, Scientology warns against any sexual activity, starting with the day a woman learns she’s pregnant.Some Scientologists choose to follow an intense detox program to cleanse the body. The woman is required to run on a treadmill every day and have frequent sauna sessions to sweat profusely. She also takes "vitamin bombs" containing mega doses of niacin, calcium, magnesium and other vitamins; and she has regular colonics, says the source.

That backfired Kate, didn't it?

And do we all remember that phase Holmes went through when she was trying to turn into her then best friend, Victoria Beckham? Lost shitloads of weight, cut her hair, changed her style... everything.

Disturbing

Normal people go to the doctor when they start looking like Mrs Beckham and unless you are 14 I cannot see how you can aspire to be her. Of course I also cannot see how you can choose to be a Scientologist but yeah.

As far as her career goes, it's easy; she has no career. She became famous for being annoying Joey from Dawson's Creek and then resurfaced as Mrs Cruise. Each and every movie she's ever made is completely forgettable unless maybe Wonder Boys but that was strictly because Robert Downey Jr was hilarious as Terry Crabtree.

If you're the visual type, I can make it easy for you:

Look at them in all their glory. I know Penelope Cruz is nothing special. She is plain, has a wonky eye and she kinda looks like a duck. But in comparison, Katie Holmes makes her look like a freaking goddess; I look at them side by side and I want to run away from scary skeleton and find shelter in Penelope's inviting bosom. For that alone...

Penelope Cruz wins.

If, even after all of the above, you were still secretly hoping Katie Holmes would win, let me explain why that would have been impossible, in only three pictures.

Reason No1 - Floppy nothingness

Reason No2 - Scary old man feet

And most importantly

Reason No3 - Haba Haba

Did you really think, even for a second, Katie Holmes had a fighting chance?

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