I write about things that make me rage in an effort to abolish them. If you agree with me, you're cool and I like you. If not, you are lame, please go away. (Scroll waaaay down to play "snake")
Serial killers, rapists and zombies, theperfect recipe to a horrible movie. What makes this one special? The director, Tor Ramsey, actually responded to a bad review by writing an apology letter explaining why Children of the Living Dead is so terrible. Well worth the read.
7. The Apple - 1980
Look at this:
You are now aware that your mouth is open. Amazing isn't it? Go on, replay it, you know you are going to anyway, no point in stalling.
8. Van Helsing - 2004
Many find this to be a horrible movie, many think this is an OK one. The latter are wrong. There is something about people trying to sound "Romanian" in vampire movies that just makes me want to scream.
In this case though, I just laughed my ass off. But it still gets two thumbs down.
9. The Watcher - 2000
Most people I know have never heard of this movie and I can't quite understand why the radars never really picked up on it (blatant lie). Here is an "action scene" from the film.
Yes, that is Keanu Reeves dancing. Goosebumps, eh?
Scientific fact: This movie could effectively bore someone to death - use with caution.
10. Vampire's Kiss - 1988
You all know how I feel about this moron so this shouldn't come as a surprise. This is a movie in which Nicolas Cagebelieves he is turning into a vampire. It is easy to understand why my rage-meter broke and I actually ended up enjoying it.
Bog-eyed fucker
After all, abusing this idiot is one of my favourite things.
There you have it! Another nice little bundle of bullshit for you to enjoy. Part III is coming up after I finish watching The Room a few more times...
Why wasn't I aware of this movie? Honestly, I feel sad that I could have watched The Room years ago and I didn't. I've missed out on so many things! Late night screenings, friends, alcohol... This movie is so incredibly, unbelievably bad it turns out to be... well... beautiful! I'm at a loss for words.
Not really.
The Room is written, directed and produced by Tom Wiseau who is also, you guessed it, the main character, Johnny. Johnny is a lovable guy who works for a bank and his whole suburban life revolves around his fiancée Lisa and his buddies, Mark and Denny.
Lisa, Johnny, Denny and Mark
In reality Johnny is an awkward, narcoleptic, Eastern-European yeti in a suit who is trying to imitate humans by repeating certain phrases (oh, hai!) and seems to be getting away with it.
It's not human, is it?
Lisa is a transgender gold-digger whose male to female transition would have been 100% successful if it wasn't for her strong jawline and her farmer man-hands.
Lisa has been with Johnny for 5 years and is supposed to marry him in a month but she's grown tired of him for no apparent reason other than his failure to get a promotion. They still end up having "sex" twice in the first 10 minutes of the movie. In fact, at some point, Denny follows them in the bedroom and admits he likes to watch them.
Denny is a 30 year old 18 year old orphan who appears to be retarded. Johnny, having a great yeti heart only to be surpassed by that of Harry Henderson, is paying for his apartment (in the same building) and his tuition. He also wants to adopt Denny despite the fact that he's a grown-up and he's hitting on his fiancée. Denny is always at the door but very rarely crosses the threshold or takes his hand off the doorknob which leads me to believe that he is, in fact, a vampire.
Get used to seeing him like this
The sex isn't sex at all but some kind of animal mating ritual where the male sprinkles the local flora on the female and then grinds on her ribcage while moaning in ecstasy - without ever opening his mouth! Unfortunately, the second time they perform this ritual is less exciting seeing as, even though it's the next day, Tom Wiseau decided to just replay the first scene. And that only means that he gets to moon us twice. And when I say moon, I mean lunar landscape.
If your ass looks like this, never take a video of it
Lisa's friend, Michelle uses Johnny's apartment as a "love nest" and this has nothing to do with the plot but I feel obligated to mention it because, well, this is Michelle's lover getting head.
One of the better performances of the movie and my current wallpaper
Here is where the plot thickens. Lisa, out of the blue and for no valid reason, falls in love with Mark, the best buddy and invites him over when Johnny is at work. There she seduces him and they end up having sex even though Mark is a good guy and he didn't mean to but his boner betrayed him.
Mark is unfortunately much more delicate than trans-Lisa so he cannot resist the way she, so seductively, runs her sausage fingers through her oily blonde hair or the unintentional sexuality that her thick, dark brown eyebrows ooze. Also, in this scene we inevitably come to the conclusion that Lisa's vagina moves around her body a lot and it takes a skilled lover to follow it.
The farmer and the passive homosexual
Lisa's mother, Claudette insists on her daughter marrying Johnny even after Lisa has lied to her (and everyone else apparently, including Johnny) that he got drunk and hit her. After all, Johnny is providing for her and that's what's important. Oh and, Claudette announces she has breast cancer in the same way she would mention the neighbour buying a new car.
In reality Claudette is a chameleon trying to blend in with the background.
It's not just me, right?
The next day Lisa throws him a birthday party even though three days pass until we actually see the party scene where she announces that she is pregnant. She's not - she just wants "to make it more interesting". Suddenly, Johnny and Lisa have been together for 7 years even though only a few days have gone by since the story started and that's when he finds out that she's been cheating on him with Mark. Then he finds out again (because once is never enough), has a fight with Mark and Mark decides that he loves his friend no more. Lisa leaves Johnny, Johnny kills himself and Mark, Lisa and Denny cry over his dead body.
Aaaaand scene.
Token Scene (because I could not possibly begin to explain with words how bad the acting, directing, editing and dubbing - yeah - actually is):
“As far as I'm concerned, you can fall off the earth. That's a promise.”
For me Sunday has always been movie day so this will be the topic of today's post. Movies that bamboozled me the same way Twilight did. Hopefully you're not all in a drunken haze from last night so pay attention for I present to you, in no particular order:
Extremely bad movies that we should all watch at least once in our lifetime
1. Showgirls - 1995
Boobs everywhere and it was still absurdly awful.
Anyone involved in the making of this horrific nonsense should be shot.
2. The Happening - 2008
Alternate Title: The What the Fuck Is Happening.
The plants are emitting a toxin that affects anyone to come in contact with it in a macabre way. It's nature's time to fight back and while people are committing suicide in imaginative ways, Mark Wahlberg is looking more confused than ever and Zooey Deschanel is looking, well... dead (too white, too googly-eyed, too soulless). There is simply not a reason good enough why in the year 2008, an extremely famous director with big first names and a huge budget came up with this.
Laughable.
3. The Shadow - 1994
Favourite childhood failure. Alec Baldwin is The Shadow, a man capable of invisibility and clouding people's minds. He fights Shiwan Khan, his arch enemy, who is trying to build an atomic bomb and kill the object of his affection, a crazy-looking Penelope Ann Miller.
Awful but you laughed didn't you? Hopefully Alec Baldwin is as ashamed of this movie as I am of him when I watch it.
4. The Room - 2003
I'm actually watching this movie tonight so I can't say anything about it other than it comes highly recommended. Come tomorrow I will gladly remove it if it's not that bad or if I don't enjoy the awfulness but after seeing the trailer
I don't think I will.
*EDIT* I just finished watching it. Not only does it stay but it will probably get its own post soon. Easily the worst movie I've ever seen.
5. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - 2009
Everything you would expect from a movie with that title. Mrs Superhans, this is for you.
Honorary mention:
For Y'ur Height Only - 1981
If you couldn't be bothered watching any of the trailers in this post, watch this one. No really. Watch it.
Bottom line: You never know when you might stumble upon a gem so never snub a movie just because it looks shit or you don't like the actors. And always watch movies you are uncertain of with a friend. Somehow, that makes all the difference between laughing hysterically and wanting to kill yourself.
This is part I of a series of posts on this topic. I have a lot of repulsivness to share. If you have a lame movie in mind, share it with me and if it is especially appalling it will make part II.
