FliezzZZzzzzZzZZZzzzzZzz

Right, so I'm having the best time here but there is something fucking everything up.

Look at this asshole

I used to be one of those people who like to think they are making a difference if they don't kill a fly but open the window instead and keep shooing it off with a magazine for about 20 minutes until it decides to fuck off because "flies have souls too" but you know what?

They are vicious, malicious and they are all out to get me so fuck flies, they can collectively go die.



Typical motherfucking fly

I hate you.

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The power of words

I'm off to the airport! I won't be back until next Saturday but I will try to update the blog during my holiday. Until then...

Be safe.

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Women and sharpies

Not everyone is a natural born artist.

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My second skin, failure

Our vacation starts tomorrow. I was supposed to do this song and dance about it but I'm in a bad mood because things have a tendency of going wrong exactly when you are not prepared to deal with it. You look away for one second and disaster strikes. 

I can't go into a lot of details but let's just say it sucks being in that middle place of not knowing if you still have a job or not. Especially when the holiday you have been waiting for since last year is now the last thing on your mind but your tickets are non-refundable so you have to go despite the unexpected turn of events. What will happen? You will feel so guilty about everything that your holiday will be ruined because you're not a robot incapable of feelings.

Exactly

I'm not talking about me but someone really close to me who doesn't deserve this kind of bullshit. If it had been me, everything would make sense. This predicament would have been the universe setting things straight again because, what the hell kind of maniac would give me a job to begin with?

I don't know either

You see, I've been a jobless bum for so long, I'm already in that place where, when I send out a CV, I'm afraid they will call me to arrange an interview. But, they never do so they're saving me the headache of having to take off my pjs, put on real clothes and go socialize with other people. 

I don't want that person to have to go through that. I mean, even I came close to breaking and I'm used to failure by now, it's part of who I am.

Example:

Seven months ago, I sent out a CV for a job at one of the two biggest supermarkets in the UK (it shall remain nameless). 

I didn't see that the deadline had ended the previous day so I went through their online assessment process answering questions such as:  

"If you get a call saying you are urgently needed at the store even though it's your day off, what do you do?" (Why, drop everything I'm doing and run to the store to make you more money, big co-operation!) 

and 

"Did you ever lie to your parents as a child?" (Does the person who came up with this shit still have a job?)

Never!

After an hour of answering every idiotic question in the book, I pressed "Done". Immediately I got an email saying, that I didn't get the job. I saw that I messed up with the deadline and thought, fair enough, it's my fault and I moved on. 

Two months ago, I found another ad for a job at the same supermarket. I went through all of it again and waited happily for an answer. I didn't have to wait long. Seven seconds later, I got an email informing me that I had applied for another job with their company less than 6 months ago so I wasn't allowed to try for this one. What? But I hadn't even had a chance at getting the first job (that I didn't really like anyway) so now I can't apply for this one (that I really want)?

I know how you feel, you Italian sonofabitch

I vowed never to deal with them again, be it as an applicant or a shopper but when you're skint and hopeless there is no room for idealistic crap like that so my embargo didn't last long. Yesterday I found out they are advertising again. I took a deep breath and started counting the months, just to be sure - April to October, seven. Re-counted. Still seven. Double-checked the deadline - won't be over for another week. So I did it. Polished my answers, told them I am available days, nights, weekends, part-time, full-time, I even threw in a blow-job for the privilege of mopping their floors. Fill out, answer, send, wait. Email. 

Thank you for your interest in joining the team at Asda, it’s great that you’re so enthusiastic. However, the results of your first application are still valid, as it’s less than 6 months since you last applied.
All the decisions we make about applications are valid for a full 6 months and so unfortunately, as you were unsuccessful the first time, we can't accept any new applications from you for any other roles within this time.
We really appreciate that you’ve taken the time to send us your details again, and we’re sure your determination will pay off very soon. In the meantime, we wish you the very best for the future.

FUCK YOU, ASDA!

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The French, the German and Internet Explorer

We're one month old! Exciting? No, not really but it seemed like a good time as any to look at some statistics so, that's what I did. 

It has been an eye-opening experience.

Not only did I learn that America and the UK seem to like me, I also found out that France doesn't really get me. Why, France? What's wrong with you? Is it that you don't have a sense of humour or that you are too awesome to get upset about anything other than wine and berets? 

Do you really think you are superior? Are you looking down on everyone else? Not cool France, not cool. Please rectify. 

Another sad, sad realization is that, although the Netherlands seem to be in the top 10 of countries that honour me with their page views, Germany and Estonia are nowhere to be seen. That's not good. Why? Because the Internet supports that that's where people who like to call their children Sven live. If you don't visit, how are you supposed to help me find my friend? Germans, I know you don't like wasting your time on trivial things like laughter but I've seen Angela Merkel on the news and you are obviously quite familiar with cynicism and sarcasm so we should have no problem connecting. 

If you find me in some blog directory, please don't let the fact that I'm usually listed in the Humour category keep you from clicking on me. As soon as I have a Sven, you can be excused.

Canada, Greece, Japan, Italy, Spain, Argentina, Australia, you've been here from day one, keep being awesome.

Now for the important part.

Disgraceful

What the hell? If this is an indication that almost 5% of the whole Internet population still uses IE, we can all kill ourselves now. Seriously. Even if that's not the case, what it does show for sure is that 5% of the people visiting my little space of the web are idiots. 

That's it. There is no other reason. If you are one of the people constituting that shameful 5% you might think I'm going to keep calling you names and ask you to fuck off. Well, no. Hopefully, you'll stay and learn something important. 

Internet Explorer is shit. Stop using it. 

Just trust me. I know it might hold some kind of sentimental value to you since this is the first browser you used a million years ago when the Internet first became accessible to the masses but we have come a long way since then and change is not always bad. 

How are you even on here? I use huge pictures and videos to prove my point 95% of the time, how come your computers haven't exploded in your faces yet?

You should be used to this by now

I sincerely hope you know everyone is making fun of you. Now that you are aware of how uncool it is to use the abomination known as Internet Explorer, next month, I expect that percentage to be, at the very least, cut to half; if not for me, for the children. 

No, really. 

Guys? 

Seriously.  

The children.

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How to defend yourself against zombies pt II

So, where were we? Ah, yes, you're in the supermarket.

You may have access to a huge quantity of canned goods for now but you need to think long-term since no one knows if zombies will "die" after a while. If they don't, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility of having to stay in there for a few years so make sure you have enough people to protect the fort from the rotting corpses but not so many that will finish off whatever food you have in a few months. 

Make sure there are women in the group; you don't want to be one of the last survivors on the face of the earth only to find yourself surrounded by Jack, John, Jim, Steve, Brian, Matt and Rick. The same applies if you're a woman but not a nymphomaniac.

Just sayin'

Check the doors a few times a day to make sure they are holding up. Reinforce them daily. Use flashlights at night but be sure to conserve batteries. Think of everything as potential weapons. You have a lot of wood and knives in your disposal; use them to make stakes - generally, make pointy things. The reason I haven't mentioned  firearms is because if you have one you know what to do but keep in mind that bullets don't last forever - you will have to make pointy things at some point (Focus: this is no time for stupid puns). 

Be ready to stab your best friend in the brain if you have to. Zombies don't get emotional and neither should you.

Little Lucy, how you've grown

After a few days of observing them you know what kind of habits the zombies have picked up. Use your knowledge of the enemy to your advantage. If you feel the need to go look for more people, use a bicycle from the store. The roads are probably blocked from abandoned cars and debris and a bicycle can take you places your feet can't plus it doesn't make any noise and right now that might be the difference between life and death. On the downside, it's not very safe. Be ready to abandon ship and go on foot at any time but for now, cover up and go.

Be completely silent. If you do find people tell them to be quiet and wait for you in a specific apartment with a balcony, on the second floor of a building. Once you are ready, find a truck and use it - the keys are probably in the driver's house (if you know him) or in the truck itself. Otherwise, learn how to hotwire cars now, just to be on the safe side (Think of it as taking up a trade; in times of need, you'll never go hungry and with the economy being shyte, you might have to reconsider your ethics). Park the truck under the balcony. Have the people jump on top of it and get in the back. Do not have them come down the stairs. You don't know if the zombies have managed to get in. Be quick and make sure you've saved at least one doctor or nurse.

Don't rescue him

If after a month or so there are thousands of "healthy" zombies outside, stay in your supermarket for as long as you have to. If the zombies still look "fresh" but do not roam the streets in huge numbers, it's time to move on. Load trucks with food, water, medicine and condoms (don't start having babies until you know what the situation really is and if you can protect the pregnant women) and head for the mountains - not forests. Only visit cities when you need supplies and only go for the big stores. Never go inside buildings you suspect have no second exit and never go downstairs. Fuck basements - there are no exits and zombies can access them comfortably but they don't have the dexterity needed to easily walk up stairs and they definitely cannot climb. Keep moving upwards.

In the occasion that the zombies seem to be dying off and you followed my strategy, you are prepared to outlast them so keep calm and wait. 

Wait.

Are they all dead? No?

Wait.

Wait.

Now? Everyone is dead?

Congratulations, you survived your first Zombie Apocalypse. 

Now clean up the mess, burn the dead and go repopulate the earth. 

Go have sex.

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How to defend yourself against zombies

When it's time for the Zombie Apocalypse (and it will happen, believe you me), do you know what I'm going to do?

Survive - and you'd better do the same.

Don't panic

You have no excuse to not be prepared for the big day but I know for a fact that most of you are lazy and haven't given it any thought so I decided to help you out partly because I like you and partly because, well, I'm probably going to need reinforcements at some point (longest sentence in the history of blogging). I have never met a zombie in this life so I have to go by what Hollywood has taught me about the walking dead. Let's get cracking.

What we're up against

A thing to remember is that they might be ghouls now but were normal people not so long ago so they won't be able to do extraordinary things like read your mind or run like the Flash; worst case scenario, they have the same limitations they had when they were alive, and that's it. If they end up being more like the slow, retarded zombies we see in most movies then you must be an idiot if you can't escape them; let's call it natural selection and move on.

Always assume that it's worse than what it seems. They're like cockroaches - for every one you see there's a thousand you don't. The moment you can confirm that the dead have indeed risen, you are alone. Forget about the army, the police, the air-force; if they come to the rescue that's fine but don't sit around waiting for them, every moment is precious. It's your time to be the hero so go be one.

Here I come to save the day

Gather any survivors you have visual contact with (don't go outside on a rescue mission just yet) in a/your house and advise them to get dressed in a way that their body is protected. Show them what to do, everyone needs hope right now and a leader is the only hope most of these people will have plus, you just got your hot neighbour naked, you lucky dog.

Use everything within reach as armour. Motorcycle helmets, leather jackets, planks of wood, pots and pans, trays, even cushions if desperate - you can find good use for everything. No pretending to be cool wearing just your Rage Against the Machine T-shirt, there's no room for Alpha shit like that in the post-apocalyptic era. Put on 8 layers of clothing including that thick jumper your nana knit for you Christmas of '89 and you were too embarrassed to wear. Make sure you can still run and lift your arms in case you need to fight but always keep your ankles, hands and neck completely covered. Don't forget to colour co-ordinate, we're survivors, not savages.

Keep it cool

Now that you're all covered up, equip yourself with baseball bats, fire pokers, swords and knives (if it comes to that you're probably screwed but jam it in the eye upwards and hope for the best) and find your way to the closest big Tesco or Asda. Not Argos, not B&Q and most definitely, not the mall. You need a big store that sells food as well as everything else but that also has only two or three exits; anything else and it becomes next to impossible to protect.

Always think practically: If it was a popular place for humans it will be a popular place for zombies; not many people get bitten at home. Go to the store by avoiding main streets, hospitals, parks and the dole office. Make sure you have people keeping an eye left, right and behind your group - you never know where the next threat is going to present itself from.

Have eyes on your back

If you do get attacked, keep it simple. They want brains and so do you - go for the head. If you miss, swiftly go for the legs; floor a zombie and smashing its head becomes a piece of piss but remember, if you slash a zombie in half or decapitate it Highlander style, the head won't die hence the necessity for ankle protection. Don't use fire against them; a burning ghoul can still walk around for a long time before the fire gets the brain, if it ever does. A zombie on fire is far deadlier than a regular zombie.

So now you're at Asda. You will probably have to break a window or something to get in. You will have to block that hole from the inside later so make your life easier by making it small to begin with. Send a couple of people on a quick reconnaissance mission. Zombies inside? There has to be a Tesco close by you can vandalize. Empty? Congratulations, you're inside and you just bought yourself some valuable time.

Don't go nuts just yet

Find all the exits and temporarily block them with heavy things. Those outdoor tables are usually impossible to move - use one to reinforce the window you broke earlier. Once you're relatively safe fill almost all the containers with tap water; you might be able to survive on Coca Cola alone (if you're a moron and like Pepsi, throw yourself at the zombies now) but it's not very sanitary to try and wash yourself with it and soon you're going to be out of water and electricity.

DO NOT USE THE TOILETS. After a couple of days without running water the whole place will stink up. Take the rest of the containers on the rooftop and use them as toilets - when you fill one up seal the top, set it aside and forget about it. I don't see how you can run out of fluids but if you do, you might need to come back to your piss bins.

Remember, Asda sell water filter jugs

Now you have fluids, personal hygiene and food covered so you should be good for today and Man City are playing Man United so I have a game to watch (go City!). Come back tomorrow for the rest; or don't. 

It's your head on the line.

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Saturday Smackdown: Katie Holmes vs Penelope Cruz

If you're one of the awesome people who keep coming back to read my ramblings you might remember that I decided to do this a Saturday "thing" and even though I'm critically injured and would much rather be whimpering in a corner wrapped up in blankets like a fajita, I'll follow through because I'm cool like that.

Today's duo has been chosen strictly because of Crazy Tom who, I must shamefully admit, I find rather fascinating; fascinatingly awful. Both of these women have stood by his side at some point in time - Cruz back when he was sane, Holmes after he crossed over to the dark side. There is also Nicole Kidman but I might make her go against today's winner soon, I don't know, I'm not making any promises and don't hold me to that.

A hint of where this is going

Let me begin by saying that the amount of pictures out there featuring both of these women is staggering - and I don't mean "normal" pictures. A simple Google search with the safe mode off left me amazed, not only at the quantity, but also the quality of pornographic material. Seriously, the effort people put in creating realistic pictures of, say, Katie Holmes covered in semen, is nothing short of impressive - but what does it mean?

Are you still not getting it?

It means that men like both of them. There is no greater validation for a female celebrity than having her head superimposed on the photo of a woman having sex with a mustached octopus (the things my eyes have seen). As much as you like your hot neighbour though, don't do that with her photo. Normal people generally frown upon such displays of affection.

Back on track. Why do men like them? In Katie's case I don't fucking know but with Penelope, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Let's break it down.

Penelope Cruz dated Tom Cruise back when he was still handsome, successful and coherent and when he started going batshit crazy, she upgraded to Javier Bardem. Who doesn't like Javier Bardem? All women want to shag him and all men want to be him or at least hang out with him. The man oozes awesome. They make a nice couple, they keep to themselves and they look genuinely happy without unecessary kissing and squeezing in public.

Normal couple

Cruz hangs out with Salma Hayek and Pedro Almodovar. Pedro Almodovar. Your friends define you and her friends are interesting, talented people.

Career-wise she's pretty average; I find her Hollywood movies to be incredibly bad but her Spanish movies are usually kick-ass. No, I'm not a pretentious asshole - being Spanish, acting in her mother tongue should come much more naturally.

And then there's Katie Holmes. She started going out with eccentric Tom Cruise and within a year she got engaged, married and had a child with Tom the Insane Scientologist; the man who jumped on Oprah's sofa to make sure everyone knew how much he adores his new lover (loser).

Every time they go in front of cameras they slobber all over each other making it extremely difficult for anyone watching not to vomit care bears. It's so fake, it's embarrassing.

Insane, desperate closeted gay man and his puppet

It's pretty obvious she was hoping being married to him would help her career but she wasn't expecting Crazy Tom becoming so engrossed in his religion that he would forbid her from making movies where she would have to have a love interest or demand that she spends hours in a sauna to cleanse herself while pregnant (what a creepy fucker).

From OK! Magazine

"The mother's body is a pure vessel for the soul to come through" a Scientology insider tells OK!. "The baby's soul must inhabit its pre-birth body with the clear intention that it wants to be born."

According to the source, Scientology warns against any sexual activity, starting with the day a woman learns she’s pregnant.Some Scientologists choose to follow an intense detox program to cleanse the body. The woman is required to run on a treadmill every day and have frequent sauna sessions to sweat profusely. She also takes "vitamin bombs" containing mega doses of niacin, calcium, magnesium and other vitamins; and she has regular colonics, says the source.

That backfired Kate, didn't it?

And do we all remember that phase Holmes went through when she was trying to turn into her then best friend, Victoria Beckham? Lost shitloads of weight, cut her hair, changed her style... everything.

Disturbing

Normal people go to the doctor when they start looking like Mrs Beckham and unless you are 14 I cannot see how you can aspire to be her. Of course I also cannot see how you can choose to be a Scientologist but yeah.

As far as her career goes, it's easy; she has no career. She became famous for being annoying Joey from Dawson's Creek and then resurfaced as Mrs Cruise. Each and every movie she's ever made is completely forgettable unless maybe Wonder Boys but that was strictly because Robert Downey Jr was hilarious as Terry Crabtree.

If you're the visual type, I can make it easy for you:

Look at them in all their glory. I know Penelope Cruz is nothing special. She is plain, has a wonky eye and she kinda looks like a duck. But in comparison, Katie Holmes makes her look like a freaking goddess; I look at them side by side and I want to run away from scary skeleton and find shelter in Penelope's inviting bosom. For that alone...

Penelope Cruz wins.

If, even after all of the above, you were still secretly hoping Katie Holmes would win, let me explain why that would have been impossible, in only three pictures.

Reason No1 - Floppy nothingness

Reason No2 - Scary old man feet

And most importantly

Reason No3 - Haba Haba

Did you really think, even for a second, Katie Holmes had a fighting chance?

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Clive the Douche needs a haircut

Let the art flow through you.

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A hand, a raptor and Michael Caine

A few years ago I had to have surgery on my right hand (enter masturbation joke). The pain was excruciating so naturally, I never want to go through that again but my doctor is a pessimist and said that I'd probably have to. It's only normal that ever since then, I've had the very genuine fear that my right hand would snap off when I least expect it. Maybe one day I'll be eating peanuts, I will lower my hand in the bowl and it'll never come back up; I won't even know until I put my stubby arm in my mouth. 

Gory demonstration

Yeah.

A little background here. As a child I watched a lot of movies that freaked me out. But only one made me wake up and violently jump off the bed screaming because my own hand had touched my own back.

For those of you who don't know, Michael Caine loses his hand in an accident and thinks that his missing limb has gone mad and is now repurposing itself by killing people left and right. 

I hadn't even watched the goddamn movie - I just watched the trailer but apparently that was enough to scar me for life. So you understand that, even now, my hand snapping off and going on a murderous spree is a real possibility for me.

I've been keeping an eye on that bastard. I'm treating it royally. Even though I'm right-handed - if the left can do it with any shred of dignity, it will. Of course this means I've grown heavily dependent on my left hand; honestly, I'm pretty much abusing it. While the left is doing almost everything, the right is just hanging out, feeling superior in its half thumb glove thingy, always looking like it's on its way to cycle or play bowling. And yet the left one never complains. I thought I had a good thing going.

Smug prick

Ever since we moved to this apartment we've been hearing this sound coming from outside our windows at random times. It's a shriek much like a velociraptor would make. We've repeatedly tried to figure out the origin but to no avail, there is nothing there that could possibly make that noise. So naturally we agreed that it has to be a real velociraptor in hiding - probably trying to avoid crazy scientists who want to perform freaky experiments on him. Every time we hear the shriek we laugh it off saying Velie is probably hungry. Having not seen him, my imagination run wild. In my mind he kind of looked like this:

Yes, that is a pterodactyl attached to Velie's back. Dinoception

As it turns out, I was probably more accurate than I would have cared for. 

Yesterday I was making pasta. I was holding the pot with my left hand, moving it from the cooker to the sink. Right then, Velie made a noise - a noise so horrific that only a creature like the one depicted above could possibly make. I jumped out of my skin. My left arm twitched inwards in an effort to not drop the pot and just like that, it gave up. I barely managed to salvage dinner; my left hand was dead.

Today it just refuses to do any work. It took me 4 hours to write this post - the pain is too much. Imagine giving birth to a chair while getting kicked in the balls. Too much. And I can't just go to the doctor, I hate doctors, they're bad luck. Every time I go to one they find a million things wrong with me and I really don't want to die. 

I cannot believe both of my hands are malfunctioning at the same time. It can't be a coincidence.

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it.

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