Waste money in style

Do you sometimes spend money on things that, not long later, you realise you don't really need? If yes, feel free to treat this post as a shopping list for Christmas - thank me later. If not, you get to feel superior by laughing at the people who actually waste money on completely useless products. No matter what, there is something for you here. 

Who needs money anyway?

I was already having a few products in mind for this post but after a couple of hours researching the web I started having second thoughts. If millions and millions of people buy these things I'm about to bash, then maybe I'm the idiot who doesn't get the appeal. And it's true. I am an idiot and I don't get the appeal but those are two completely unrelated things so, here goes.

Moneywaster No1: The Better Marriage Blanket

One of the two blankets featured in this post, the BMB supposedly absorbs farts and breaks them down to stinky molecules so tiny that they are stinky no more! Is this enough to save your marriage? Sure it is! Next time your spouse mentions divorce, just give them this blanket as a gift and everything will be forgotten.

It took me ages to find an appropriate sample of 1,000,000 people so respect the charts

Coincidence? I think not. It works for farts, feet, sweaty balls smell... everything. Don't be another statistic, save your marriage now for only $29.95!

Celebrities known to be using this product: Scarlett Johansson, Kristen Stewart (works on hobo smell too), Jack Black 

Moneywaster No2: The Potty Putter

Fuck me sideways, I don't get this. When I'm sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, pushing like octomom in labour, the last thing I want to be doing is focusing on getting the ball in the hole. Plus, it can't be very sanitary. 

Those damn paparazzi will stop at nothing

It looks pretty ridiculous to me but then again, I read the Twilight books in the toilet. I find laughter helps when I'm constipated.

Celebrities known to be using this product: Bruce Forsyth, William Roache

Moneywaster No3: Hawaii Chair

I won't even try to describe it; just watch.

What the hell just happened?

Why have I never been in an office where someone is actually sitting on one of these?

What the hell just happened?

Moneywaster No4: The Snuggie 

No one seems to like it but they have sold more than a gazillion blankets so that can only mean one thing: Some of you are lying bastards who hide their Snuggies in the closet next to their porn collection (yes, people still do this - or so I hear). I've said it before, you might think it's stupid but it's surprisingly effective. It keeps you warm the same way putting your coat on backwards would but you don't usually pretend to be a Jedi when wearing your coat, do you?

If you don't feel threatened, there's something wrong with you

Other than that, it's pretty much useless.

Celebrities known to be using this product: Me. Fuck the system.

Moneywaster No5: Fundies

Underwear... for two.

Yeah.

Celebrities known to be using this product: Brangelina, TomKat, Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen

I have to go have a life for a while (blatant lie) so expect a part II at some point. If you buy something stupid by then and you want your amazing purchase featured (anonymously or not), drop me a line.

Until tomorrow...

May the Force be with you

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Lousy Christmas presents and how not to come face to face with the Grinch

Santa Claus is on his way and everyone is getting excited. Even for a misanthropic nobody like yours truly, Christmas has always been something special. It used to be the presents. Then the alcohol. Lately, it's been the alcohol because of the presents. I'm not ungrateful, far from it. I cherish the things people give me but some gifts are a bit more well-received than others - without it having anything to do with the price tag. 

What is it with people thinking that just because you are no longer 17 you cease to be an individual and all gifts must be home/family/work related? The presents I've gotten the last few years could have been re-gifted to anyone, and I mean anyone, over 25 and they would have been suitable one way or another. Now, I appreciate that people don't have time to shop for hours and I definitely acknowledge that I'm not special (I am) enough for people to go out of their way for but there are "easy" gifts out there, even for someone who doesn't fit the predefined gift-categories, like me.

Me. True story. Again.

So here goes the "What not to gift this Christmas" list.

Clothes

Admit it, you have one of those hidden somewhere

Unless it's for a kid and you're the grandma You know what? No. Under no circumstance. No clothes. No cheap clothes, no expensive clothes, no underwear, no socks, no nothing. You might know the recipient well-enough to buy them something they like, you might even be lucky enough to get the right size but what are the chances? Let's be honest here, you will fuck it up. So unless they've explicitly asked for that particular piece of clothing, always assume there is no room in their wardrobe for it. Otherwise, they'll probably have to re-gift or take it back to the store and if they're anything like me, they will just shove it in a bag somewhere and let it rot. Not very Christmasy.

Candles

Don't you have enough? I know some of you will disagree with this one but I dare you to count the candles around you right now. How many of those have you actually used more than once? And they don't smell like "morning summer breeze" or "crackling firewood and red wine" (I own both) anymore, do they? Pointless. Some are quite elaborate. Those are the worst.

Vomit in a bowl

Who looks at this and goes "This would look wonderful on my dining table! I must have it". No one. Unless by dining table they mean bin.

Novelty Gifts

Admittedly some of them are funny. Some are even practical. But 90% of them... complete junk. And while it might seem like a good idea to buy a "funny" present, think about it first. Really think about it.

This is not how you want your day to begin

How long would it last?

CDs - DVDs

Do you know how to operate a computer? Can you access the Internet with it? Then you understand why a CD is a crappy present. Only exception is if you know you are getting something the recipient desperately wants. Like a certain someone who got me The Godfather Trilogy Platinum Director's Cut Super-Edition. That is a gift that had thought and love put into it. On the other hand, Barry Manillow's Best Of with the reasoning that you heard me humming "Mandy" one day, is not. I was only humming it because of this:

 See how friendships get destroyed?

Knick-knacks

I'd rather get hit in the face with a shovel

If you like receiving them you are either old (which is OK as long as you don't buy them for others) and/or an emotionally bankrupt serial killer (which is also OK in my books). Knick-knacks make for perfect dust-collectors and paper weights. No one needs either.

Bottom line: Get things you know others will like, not things you know you like and others might. If you're not sure, take the easy way out and buy a gift card, some chocolate, a few beers. I know, Christmas is not about presents and it's the thought that counts (Lie. I'm definitely not making Santa's "good" list this year. Again) but give the people what they want. It's not that hard.

If you can't be bothered at all, there is an alternative. Do what a friend of mine did a few years back. He announced that he's done with gifts. No giving, no receiving, nothing. He still exchanges presents with his wife and kids but that's it. No one is thinking any less of him (everyone secretly wants to be him) plus he's the only person I know that doesn't have panic attacks come Christmas Eve.

Are you agoraphobic yet?

When I'm running around for those "last minute" presents (all of them), he's at home, with the people he loves, having some wine, enjoying life. Who wins? He does. But only in this situation. In a fist-fight I would floor the bastard.

Just thought I should point that out.

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