Why do I bother reading the news? Doom and gloom, riots and wars, deaths and Jodie Marsh everywhere. I usually open a thousand tabs in the morning, all the major news sites, and I skim through them, making sure I half-arsedly read everything - and by everything, I mean the titles in big, bold letters.
 |
| Why, oh God, why? |
Every site has a different outlook on things; there is something out there for all of us. While one might promote the story of how the MPs didn't give a shit about an e-petition signed by more than 240,000 people that suggested they strip the summer rioters of their benefits, another site's main focus might be the dress that Pippa Middleton chose to wear at a charity dinner last night (BBC and The Telegraph, if anyone was wondering).
But the one story, the one story that most of the news carriers apparently agreed on being worth mentioning on the front page of the Internet, is how Christopher Chaney apologised for "hacking" into Mila Kunis', Christina Aguilera's and Scarlett Johansson's (amongst others) emails and leaking their nude photos online.
 |
| You are hideous |
First of all, my good man Christopher (May I call you Christopher?), there is absolutely no reason to apologise to us; we like you. If it weren't for sleazy wankers with no morals like you, the world would be a better place and I would have nothing to write about. Can you imagine a world where people mind their own business? Where everyone respects everyone else's right to privacy? Boring!
The FBI was leading the investigation from the start; they called it, and I shit you not, "Operation Hackerazzi" (whoever came up with that name should, at the very least, be demoted). It went something like this: Chaney leaked the photos, a nanosecond later they spread like the flu in a nursing home and 2 hours later, they were down. Which brings me to my second point.
 |
| What the FBI's best minds came up with |
Good job FBI! What a response! Isn't there something else you could be doing like, maybe - and I'm just throwing ideas out there - hunting down serial killers or something? If you are that bored and have nothing to do, can you help me resolve a dispute I have with my idiot neighbour? Maybe if I have the FBI on my side she will stop writing letters, complaining about the noise I don't make.
Can you imagine if Clarice Starling was too busy going after "Hackerazzi" instead of Buffalo Bill? Can you?
 |
| The hose |
Exactly.
Thirdly, he is facing 121 years in jail. I'll give you a minute to process that.
That's right. 121 years. If he gets the full sentence, I will never stop comparing every case I read about to this one. Someone was found guilty of jaywalking? 34 years in jail. Owning weed? 68 years in jail. Bar fight? 91 years. Shoplifting? Lethal injection. Don't get me wrong, boobs are totally worth it (maybe not Scarlett Johansson's) but let's not get carried away.
He didn't blackmail anyone, he didn't kill anyone - he wanted to see a couple of celebrity tatas. Instead of waiting for the movie in which they will, inevitably, get naked in the name of art, he took the less travelled, illegal way.
 |
| We're not naked, we're artists |
I like to see celebrity boobies too, but usually, I wait until someone like Chaney makes the aforementioned wrong choice. But I'm a good half of the way there so I suppose I should be grateful they're not suggesting he gets the chair.
