Cinema is lying: Where is my flying car?

I've come to a conclusion. One of the reasons why I'm constantly pissed off is because I feel cheated. I look around and I see huge buses with moving ads on them, extremely fast, shiny cars, and inviting, curvy motorcycles but last time I checked, this was 2011 and that thing I'm carrying is a backpack, not a jetpack. Where are all the cool things the movies promised me? 

I only got a touch-screen phone a few months ago, you ass

Blade Runner told me I would have a flying car by now and instead I have a bicycle. Not even a TRON motorcycle, a bicycle. Her name is Lily and I love her, but she lacks any kind of futuristic abilities and I can't help but feel a bit disappointed every time we go out together. I could settle for a Back to the Future hover-board but a quick look around and the closest thing I can find is my ironing board – and we definitely don't know each other well enough for me to try to jump on it. 

I was also supposed to have a clone in case something were to happen to my, oh I don't know, let’s say liver. My city was supposed to be enclosed in a majestic dome that would prevent illnesses from spreading. The machines were supposed to be angry enough to at least be plotting their rebellion by now and most importantly, I was supposed to have an awesome robot-butler named Alfred that would call everyone sir and madam and would look exactly like Michael Gough. He would answer the phone saying cool shit like: "You have reached the Wayne Residence, how may I help you?" in a posh accent and if I ever felt depressed, he would cheer me up with his witty remarks. Where is my Alfred, cinema? 

He would have looked so real

Instead, I have to not drink or smoke or breathe because if something breaks, chances are they won't find a replacement part on time. I have a cold 8 months a year and at the moment, the only machine angry at me is my toaster. If it took humans approximately 7 million years to evolve from apes - can you even begin to calculate how long it will take for my toaster to evolve into T-1000? 

Start doing the math

When I was a kid, the thought of robots rebelling against humans by the time I was middle-aged. was sending shivers down my spine. I would fall asleep thinking how I would save my future family from “the Terminator baddy” – I would come up with elaborate plans including odour guns and human eyeballs (unfortunately, I'm not making this up) but now that I'm almost 30, my reality is far less exciting. The other day I was gawking at this: 

Past me would bitch-slap the now me into oblivion for that.

And where are the huge spaceships with the blinking lights hovering over cities? I still haven't seen a short green dude with big black eyes appearing out of nowhere holding one of these: 

Overpopulation and the Earth's inability to sustain us would force us to make a life for ourselves on other planets - we were supposed to have colonies on Mars and popping algae pills for breakfast, lunch and dinner by now. Instead, I'm living in an ever-growing chav ghetto which would be OK, if I knew that next time someone would try to steal Lily the bike, the patrolling officer upholding the law would be RoboCop. But no, that was another lie, wasn't it? 

Bottom line: I now know that the movies have been lying to me since the beginning of my time but that doesn't make the fact that I will never get to befriend Johnny Five any less upsetting. The one good thing is that I will probably never have to come face to face with this 

say, on my way back from Tesco's. I suppose that’s +1 for our boring reality. 

Other than that, fuck you movie people for making me go on living without my robot-Alfred. Don’t expect me to save your ass if one night, some crazed-looking bloke asks you if you've ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight - I'll be too busy answering my own phone.

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Movies too bad NOT to be classed as masterpieces - Part IV

16. Batman and Robin - 1997

Being a huge Batman fan, in my books, Batman and Robin, is not a movie - it's an insult. That's right, I think this is Joel Schumacher's way of giving me the middle finger, the man obviously hates me.

Cheap-ass Batgirl

Batman has different suits in many, many different colours. He has ice skates on his boots. The whole movie reeks of exceptionally bad one-liners. Robin is fascinatingly homosexual. And our favourite superhero keeps strutting his stuff right in our faces.

Doesn't leave much to the imagination

Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone and Arnie were the only people who (seemingly) did not set out to destroy this movie - they were just being their usual terrible self.

17. Highlander II - The Quickening - 1991

The first Highlander was a brilliant movie with a definitive ending. Definitive as in it can't change. Connor MacLeod killed the Kurgan and was left being the "One", there were no more immortals left - nothing. And then they made a sequel. They resurrected dead characters, found some bogus reason explaining why Connor was ageing and they threw in aliens. Aliens.

Not even Sean Connery coming back from the dead could save this disaster.

18. The Matrix Revolutions - 2003

The biggest disappointment of all. After watching The Matrix Reloaded, fans everywhere thought: "The third one can't be worse. The only way is up, surely", and fans everywhere were wrong. What a piece of shit movie this was! I mean, no one was expecting brilliance but this is just a parody of what the movie was supposed to be.

And yet, he survives

Watching Revolutions actually made The Matrix less good in my mind. The Matrix was simple in its complexity and it was beautiful - that's what made it a success. Reloaded opened holes and left questions unanswered, the plot became heavy and hard to follow and the film took a more... theoretical turn. Then came Revolutions where everything was supposed to come together and what did we get instead? Love stories and incomprehensible blabbering.

Puke

Fuck this shit.

*As you can probably tell, his movie hurt me physically so if I can help it, I will not be watching it again. But if you can see past the damage it did to the first Matrix, it proudly deserves to be in this list - it is hilarious in its own awfulness.

19. Dreamcatcher - 2003

Based on a Stephen King novel, I'm having trouble trying to explain this movie in a few lines. How do you describe the indescribable? I'll give it a go but honestly, I won't do it justice.

Four friends meet up and go to a cabin in the woods where they meet someone who farts uncontrollably. We find out that the farter has an alien eel of sorts inside his body. The creature abandons the host through his anus leaving behind it a bloody mess. And here is where things get weird.

Handsome bastard

The four friends can communicate telepathically, a power given to them by a retarted kid when they were children. They use their power to fight the ass-eels (there are loads knocking about) and that's when Morgan Freeman and the entire US Army come in. A quarantine is enforced and the four friends turn for help to the retarded boy from their past who is now dying of leukemia. Morgan Freeman goes crazy. Oh and, the creatures are controlled by a huge monster-alien-type-thingy called Mr Gray.

Am I the only one seeing a fetus next to a scary-looking vagina?

This is the best I can do.

20. Plan 9 from Outer Space - 1956

This is a different entry - Plan 9 is not a bad movie in a conventional way. It's more like a really awful, no-budget, no-effort home movie. Directed by notoriously eccentric Ed Wood, this is an incomprehensible creation about aliens resurrecting the Earth's dead in an effort to stop humans from creating a weapon of mass destruction that will destroy the universe.

Grab the pop-corn!

Writing these lists has made me obsessed with finding more and more hilarious cinematic disasters. Drop me a line or write your suggestion in the comments. I know there must be some obscure thriller somewhere that I don't know about - educate me!

Part I here
Part II here
Part III here

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Movies too bad NOT to be classed as masterpieces - Part III

11. Freddy Got Fingered - 2001

Disgusting, disturbing and ridiculous. And pathetic. Repulsive, unecessary and lame. Moronic and childish. Think of any negative adjectives and they can be used to describe this movie. The good thing is it doesn't take itself seriously. The bad thing is it exists and now, the image of Tom Green masturbating an elephant will forever be the backdrop of my nightmares.

Can you believe Drew Barrymore played a part in this film and not only shagged him, but actually married this douche?

12. Passion in the Desert - 1998

The Scarlett Johansson of movies. A man gets into a relationship with a leopard he calls Simoom. Yes, you read that right. A man falls in love with a leopard. Honoré de Balzac wrote it, someone turned it into a movie and art-freaks everywhere rejoiced. Unfortunately, if you want to find out exactly how bad Passion in the Desert is, you will have to watch it simply because there are no words in any language to precisely describe it.

I know what you're thinking and no, that's not Leigh Francis

*My closest friend and I are, to this very day, "selling" this movie to the people we hate as a brilliant masterpiece. So to anyone who might be reading this that has heard us talking about Passion in the Desert in an orgasmic manner, now you know.

13. Battlefield: Earth - 2000

In 1982 L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the religion of Scientology, wrote a science fiction novel. In 2000 it was turned into a movie and John Travolta starred in it for no reason other than him being of the same faith. 

It wasn't a good enough reason.

Note: I shouldn't really say words like "faith" and "religion" when referring to Scientology seeing as it's an utterly moronic concept but I'm feeling generous today.

14. Killer Klowns from Outer Space - 1988

Alien clowns use ray guns to wrap people in a cotton candy cocoon they can feed off. Killer pies may or may not be involved (they are) in this classic horridness from the 80s. Cotton candy and pies. Oh, and pop corn that turns into mini clownesque creatures. Fantastic!

This right here, this is the stuff dreams are made of.

15. Gigli - 2003

IMDB describes it as violent story about a criminal lesbian (Ben Affleck), a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold (Justin Bartha), and a retarded man (Jennifer Lopez). I would simply describe it as violent (towards my senses) and retarded. J-Lo and Ben Affleck are more horrible than ever with no chemistry between them and sadly, not even Al Pacino, who inexplicably appears out of nowhere for a couple of scenes and then fucks off, can save this wreck of a movie. And yes, yes, I know, the names. But maybe this casting would have made it a bit more interesting.

Give this woman an Oscar!

These past few days that I've been writing about these movies I've actually felt my IQ drop quite a few points. I really need to watch a normal film tonight. Part IV will have to wait until I feel emotionally prepared to go through another psychological fist-fucking. Until then...

Gobble, gobble.

Part I here
Part II here

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Movies too bad NOT to be classed as masterpieces - Part II

6. Children of the Living Dead - 2001

Serial killers, rapists and zombies, the perfect recipe to a horrible movie. What makes this one special? The director, Tor Ramsey, actually responded to a bad review by writing an apology letter explaining why Children of the Living Dead is so terrible. Well worth the read.

7. The Apple - 1980

Look at this:

You are now aware that your mouth is open. Amazing isn't it? Go on, replay it, you know you are going to anyway, no point in stalling.

8. Van Helsing - 2004

Many find this to be a horrible movie, many think this is an OK one. The latter are wrong. There is something about people trying to sound "Romanian" in vampire movies that just makes me want to scream.

In this case though, I just laughed my ass off. But it still gets two thumbs down.

9. The Watcher - 2000

Most people I know have never heard of this movie and I can't quite understand why the radars never really picked up on it (blatant lie). Here is an "action scene" from the film. 

Yes, that is Keanu Reeves dancing. Goosebumps, eh?

Scientific fact: This movie could effectively bore someone to death - use with caution.

10. Vampire's Kiss - 1988

You all know how I feel about this moron so this shouldn't come as a surprise. This is a movie in which Nicolas Cage believes he is turning into a vampire. It is easy to understand why my rage-meter broke and I actually ended up enjoying it. 

Bog-eyed fucker

After all, abusing this idiot is one of my favourite things.

There you have it! Another nice little bundle of bullshit for you to enjoy. Part III is coming up after I finish watching The Room a few more times...

Part I here

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The Room and how it instantly found a place in my "Movies To Be Buried With" list

Why wasn't I aware of this movie? Honestly, I feel sad that I could have watched The Room years ago and I didn't. I've missed out on so many things! Late night screenings, friends, alcohol... This movie is so incredibly, unbelievably bad it turns out to be... well... beautiful! I'm at a loss for words. 

Not really. 

The Room is written, directed and produced by Tom Wiseau who is also, you guessed it, the main character, Johnny. Johnny is a lovable guy who works for a bank and his whole suburban life revolves around his fiancée Lisa and his buddies, Mark and Denny. 

Lisa, Johnny, Denny and Mark

In reality Johnny is an awkward, narcoleptic, Eastern-European yeti in a suit who is trying to imitate humans by repeating certain phrases (oh, hai!) and seems to be getting away with it. 

It's not human, is it?

Lisa is a transgender gold-digger whose male to female transition would have been 100% successful if it wasn't for her strong jawline and her farmer man-hands. 

Lisa has been with Johnny for 5 years and is supposed to marry him in a month but she's grown tired of him for no apparent reason other than his failure to get a promotion. They still end up having "sex" twice in the first 10 minutes of the movie. In fact, at some point, Denny follows them in the bedroom and admits he likes to watch them.

Denny is a 30 year old 18 year old orphan who appears to be retarded. Johnny, having a great yeti heart only to be surpassed by that of Harry Henderson, is paying for his apartment (in the same building) and his tuition. He also wants to adopt Denny despite the fact that he's a grown-up and he's hitting on his fiancée. Denny is always at the door but very rarely crosses the threshold or takes his hand off the doorknob which leads me to believe that he is, in fact, a vampire.

Get used to seeing him like this

The sex isn't sex at all but some kind of animal mating ritual where the male sprinkles the local flora on the female and then grinds on her ribcage while moaning in ecstasy - without ever opening his mouth! Unfortunately, the second time they perform this ritual is less exciting seeing as, even though it's the next day, Tom Wiseau decided to just replay the first scene. And that only means that he gets to moon us twice. And when I say moon, I mean lunar landscape.

If your ass looks like this, never take a video of it

Lisa's friend, Michelle uses Johnny's apartment as a "love nest" and this has nothing to do with the plot but I feel obligated to mention it because, well, this is Michelle's lover getting head.

One of the better performances of the movie and my current wallpaper

Here is where the plot thickens. Lisa, out of the blue and for no valid reason, falls in love with Mark, the best buddy and invites him over when Johnny is at work. There she seduces him and they end up having sex even though Mark is a good guy and he didn't mean to but his boner betrayed him.

Mark is unfortunately much more delicate than trans-Lisa so he cannot resist the way she, so seductively, runs her sausage fingers through her oily blonde hair or the unintentional sexuality that her thick, dark brown eyebrows ooze. Also, in this scene we inevitably come to the conclusion that Lisa's vagina moves around her body a lot and it takes a skilled lover to follow it. 

The farmer and the passive homosexual

Lisa's mother, Claudette insists on her daughter marrying Johnny even after Lisa has lied to her (and everyone else apparently, including Johnny) that he got drunk and hit her. After all, Johnny is providing for her and that's what's important. Oh and, Claudette announces she has breast cancer in the same way she would mention the neighbour buying a new car.

In reality Claudette is a chameleon trying to blend in with the background.

It's not just me, right?

The next day Lisa throws him a birthday party even though three days pass until we actually see the party scene where she announces that she is pregnant. She's not - she just wants "to make it more interesting". Suddenly, Johnny and Lisa have been together for 7 years even though only a few days have gone by since the story started and that's when he finds out that she's been cheating on him with Mark. Then he finds out again (because once is never enough), has a fight with Mark and Mark decides that he loves his friend no more. Lisa leaves Johnny, Johnny kills himself and Mark, Lisa and Denny cry over his dead body. 

Aaaaand scene.

Token Scene (because I could not possibly begin to explain with words how bad the acting, directing, editing and dubbing - yeah - actually is):

“As far as I'm concerned, you can fall off the earth. That's a promise.”

Bottom line: Worst. Movie. Ever.

And I loved every minute of it.

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Movies too bad NOT to be classed as masterpieces - Part I

For me Sunday has always been movie day so this will be the topic of today's post. Movies that bamboozled me the same way Twilight did.  Hopefully you're not all in a drunken haze from last night so pay attention for I present to you, in no particular order: 

Extremely bad movies that we should all watch at least once in our lifetime

1. Showgirls - 1995

Boobs everywhere and it was still absurdly awful.

Anyone involved in the making of this horrific nonsense should be shot.

2. The Happening - 2008

Alternate Title: The What the Fuck Is Happening. 

The plants are emitting a toxin that affects anyone to come in contact with it in a macabre way. It's nature's time to fight back and while people are committing suicide in imaginative ways, Mark Wahlberg is looking more confused than ever and Zooey Deschanel is looking, well... dead (too white, too googly-eyed, too soulless). There is simply not a reason good enough why in the year 2008, an extremely famous director with big first names and a huge budget came up with this. 

Laughable.

3. The Shadow - 1994

Favourite childhood failure. Alec Baldwin is The Shadow, a man capable of invisibility and clouding people's minds. He fights Shiwan Khan, his arch enemy, who is trying to build an atomic bomb and kill the object of his affection, a crazy-looking Penelope Ann Miller.

Awful but you laughed didn't you? Hopefully Alec Baldwin is as ashamed of this movie as I am of him when I watch it.

4. The Room - 2003

I'm actually watching this movie tonight so I can't say anything about it other than it comes highly recommended. Come tomorrow I will gladly remove it if it's not that bad or if I don't enjoy the awfulness but after seeing the trailer

I don't think I will.

*EDIT* I just finished watching it. Not only does it stay but it will probably get its own post soon. Easily the worst movie I've ever seen.

5. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - 2009

Everything you would expect from a movie with that title. Mrs Superhans, this is for you.

Honorary mention:

For Y'ur Height Only - 1981

If you couldn't be bothered watching any of the trailers in this post, watch this one. No really. Watch it.

Bottom line: You never know when you might stumble upon a gem so never snub a movie just because it looks shit or you don't like the actors. And always watch movies you are uncertain of with a friend. Somehow, that makes all the difference between laughing hysterically and wanting to kill yourself.

This is part I of a series of posts on this topic. I have a lot of repulsivness to share. If you have a lame movie in mind, share it with me and if it is especially appalling it will make part II. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a movie to watch.

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