The dial-up days and the many reasons I am better than Mark Zuckerberg

The Internet annoys me. I love it but still, it annoys the crap out of me. Back in the ol' dial-up days everything was so much better because there was moderation. When you managed to download a few photos or a song (3,5 mb usually took hours) it meant something. It was something you cherished. 

 

Memories

Now everyone leaves their computer online 24/7 and no one pays attention to what is happening because we can't really miss anything. There is no real urgency. Never has a generation been offered so much knowledge and ironically, never has a generation been more stupid. I'm not some old geezer and I do appreciate technology, I really do. But you can't deny that the internet has made us dumber, lazier and unmotivated. You get the news, real time, on your freaking desktop now and no one bothers to read them anymore. Anything you might need to know or do is only a click away and still, ask a teenager about Libya and they'll stare at you blankly. Mention Facebook on the other hand, and they can chronologically list the layout changes from the beginning of time. 

The original duckface

Which brings us to today's focal point, Mark Zuckerberg. Not just another "internet gazillionaire" but the Internet Gazillionaire. The man who did something incredible "invented" the mother of all time-wasting sites, Facebook. Big deal. I could have invented Facebook. In fact, I did. I thought of Facebook first, yeeeeears before him (prove me wrong). So why don't I have his money? 

Two reasons: I don't have the right connections. Not everyone has the chance to graduate from Phillips Exeter Academy and attend Harvard University. Also, if I had his money, the world wouldn't have been able to handle me. If it weren't for those two reasons, I would have been king of the world. Me, not him.

List of reasons why Mark Zuckerberg is better than me

Net Worth

Zuckerberg  is worth around 17,5 billion as of September 2011.

My net worth is... less. 

List of reasons why I am better than Mark Zuckerberg

a. I am far better looking

Me (I need to protect my identity, you understand)                                                                                          Weird Stoner Face

b. I don't roam the streets in my bathrobe and slippers. Not lately, anyway.

c. My girlfriend is better than his.

His girlfriend                                                                                                                     My girlfriend

d. I know I haven't invented anything (yet) but I am writing a movie which, I'm pretty sure is going to be the Citizen Kane of this century only not boring. It involves ghost-zombies or ghombies. That's right. Ghombies. In space. Muthafuckin' Ghombies in Muthafuckin' Space. People will keep watching my movie in shock and awe long after his stupid Facebook servers explode in his nasally exaggerated face.

Too fuckin' right

e. If I had a mythical amount of money in my bank account I would turn into either Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne. Or both. Or at least into a super-villain of some sort. Why is there no Iron Man or Batman flying around being all cool and shit? Because people with insane amounts of money are boring.

Bottom line: I'm not jealous of him. Not at all. I am superior and I know it. It's society that's keeping me down. And to prove a point, after I post this, I'm turning off my computer for a few hours and you should totally join me. Unless updating your Facebook status from your phone takes forever in which case, I understand.

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Facebook etiquette and how snuggly it fits in your ass

Today we're going to talk about the things I see on my Facebook page that make me want to scream in despair. It has come to the point where I know that every time I log in, one of the first posts I see will be something that will piss me off. Let's break it down.

1. The Tweeter

i just dropd a chip on da flor!!1!!!11! LOL #totalretard

Or the more douche-baggy:

I will be turning my TV off for an hour tonight #savetheplanet

What do you think you're doing?

This is Facebook. You can do the hash-tag posts on Twitter. Twitter is not Facebook. There is a reason I am here and not there. So TAKE YOUR SHIT TO TWITTER MORON! #iwillkillyourlittlebluebirdfasterthanyoucantypeomg

2. The "Get-a-Room"

Oh My God

No one needs to see this. No one cares! I get that love turns you into a flaming homosexual but when you splatter this nonsense all over Facebook, we don't buy it! You don't come out as being in love, you come out of the closet as an insecure little girl who is afraid of dying alone. Cut it out.

3. The Youtuber

X shared this shit, X shared that crap... Video after video, song after song you are driving me insane! One video, OK. Two videos, fair enough. After that, knock it off! If this is your subtle way of making me know you are sad because your girlfriend dumped you or that you are secretly in love with me, send me a private message! What? These songs are not about me? Then why are you spamming my news feed? See where I'm going with this, idiot? PM the asshole whose dick you want to suck. He'll probably say yes anyway. If you're male and you're guilty of this, deactivate your account and go be your lame self somewhere else.

Screw you for subjecting me to this over and over again

4. Da White Thug

Yo yo homie yo

If you're a pasty white 15 year old girl who types like this "yo fuck englis dis homgurl speek ebonics yo!" there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You sound ridiculous, people laugh behind your back and frankly, you make me cringe. I wouldn't say you deserve to die in a fire but you deserve to die in a fire.

5. The Sensitive One

 

In memory of those who lost the battle against cancer, and those who continue fighting. I pray for a cure. 92% of you won't copy & paste this text to their Facebook profile status, will you? I DID, for those I love. Proud to be part of the 8%!!

The Girl you just called fat? She has been starving herself & has lost over 30lbs. The Boy you called stupid, he has a learning disability & studies over 4hrs a night. The Girl you called ugly? She spends hours putting make-up on hoping people will like her. The Boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. There's a lot more to people then you think. Put this as your status if you're against bullying.

And many, many more. The new era chain-mail. If you've done that, you are a moron. It doesn't make you look sensitive and kind. It makes me think of you as the annoying children of the corn that knock on my door at 7 in the morning asking me if I've accepted God as my lord and savior. Honestly, you don't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. If you really want to help then...

Bottom line: If you fall into any of the above categories, kindly fuck off and don't come back until you get your shit together.

There's so much more to say on this subject but I have better things to do (consume alcohol). I'll do a follow-up some other time when I'm too drunk to care about spending my time in a constructive way but for now, to all of you sane people out there, keep being awesome!

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