Acting and what will get you in my good books

Acting has been around forever, from Thespis of Icaria and the other Greeks to Brangelina and Ashton Kutcher (oh, the decline). Usually, it's great. Watching movies, going to the theatre, it's all good. The play might be bad, the movie might be unwatchable but not often do people negatively comment on the actors.

Even when someone is bad enough to get a few negative comments, he/she compensates with being handsome or with showing enough skin. Plus, we get confused easily and we seem to be mistaking talent with how often one is on the news or the gossip columns (call me Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta). So here are some actors/actresses that are not very good at their job and the real reasons they're classed as "celebrities".

Kristen Stewart

She's no more talented than a piece of paper. She looks like she's not even trying. Exhaling excessively and violently

and that's about it. And that's exactly why she's famous. Girls look at her and think: If that awkward, ugly, mentally limited, androgynous creature can land itself a fang-less gampire (gay vampire, cheap joke, I know) so can I! And they go about their business, absentmindedly drawing hearts in their Wiccan books. 

Like... yeah

Keanu Reeves

Painful to watch yet mention his name to any female over the age of 14 and they will sigh. All that is required of him is to read his lines, look pretty and occasionally flop his arms around so that the viewers can be reassured that he has not fallen into a coma.

Jack Black

Holy shitjokes Batman. The "adorable" chubby guy and the "hilarious" predicaments he finds himself in. Low tier jokes, sub-par acting, perfect example of a one-trick monkey. Do you have a slapstick comedy script where the hero is "one of us" and takes pride in loud farts? Then I have your leading man right here.

Is your stomach turning already?

Halle Berry

Why she is bad: Catwoman. I rest my case.

Why she is good:

What a piece of... acting!

There you have it. Four terrible actors that compensate for their awfulness with being a. one with the background, b. handsome, c. ordinary and d. a pair of boobs and ass. I can live with that. I have laughed on more than one occasion at all of the above. I like to find the humor in everything. And then there is him:

Nicolas Cage

I find his cinematic existence to be mind-boggling. Who hired him the first time? Which casting director is to blame for bringing this

No-method acting

into the spotlight? And why? He has never acted sufficiently. Not well, sufficiently. Each and every one of his performances have been cringe-worthy and the problem is, he doesn't bring anything else to the table. I could forgive his horridness if he was likeable but he is the exact opposite. Who here wouldn't punch his chin-y face in if they got the chance? Yeah, that's what I thought. I can't blame him completely though. Why do directors let him think that this

is acting or an appropriate reaction to anything for that matter? Mind-boggling.

Bottom line: If you suck at acting, make sure you have something else to amuse me with. And if you're "Nic" Cage (you vain, arrogant bastard) keep away from me because if I see you, I swear, I will kick you so hard that your nuts will turn into ovaries.

And leave your balding head alone. You're not fooling anyone.

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The dial-up days and the many reasons I am better than Mark Zuckerberg

The Internet annoys me. I love it but still, it annoys the crap out of me. Back in the ol' dial-up days everything was so much better because there was moderation. When you managed to download a few photos or a song (3,5 mb usually took hours) it meant something. It was something you cherished. 

 

Memories

Now everyone leaves their computer online 24/7 and no one pays attention to what is happening because we can't really miss anything. There is no real urgency. Never has a generation been offered so much knowledge and ironically, never has a generation been more stupid. I'm not some old geezer and I do appreciate technology, I really do. But you can't deny that the internet has made us dumber, lazier and unmotivated. You get the news, real time, on your freaking desktop now and no one bothers to read them anymore. Anything you might need to know or do is only a click away and still, ask a teenager about Libya and they'll stare at you blankly. Mention Facebook on the other hand, and they can chronologically list the layout changes from the beginning of time. 

The original duckface

Which brings us to today's focal point, Mark Zuckerberg. Not just another "internet gazillionaire" but the Internet Gazillionaire. The man who did something incredible "invented" the mother of all time-wasting sites, Facebook. Big deal. I could have invented Facebook. In fact, I did. I thought of Facebook first, yeeeeears before him (prove me wrong). So why don't I have his money? 

Two reasons: I don't have the right connections. Not everyone has the chance to graduate from Phillips Exeter Academy and attend Harvard University. Also, if I had his money, the world wouldn't have been able to handle me. If it weren't for those two reasons, I would have been king of the world. Me, not him.

List of reasons why Mark Zuckerberg is better than me

Net Worth

Zuckerberg  is worth around 17,5 billion as of September 2011.

My net worth is... less. 

List of reasons why I am better than Mark Zuckerberg

a. I am far better looking

Me (I need to protect my identity, you understand)                                                                                          Weird Stoner Face

b. I don't roam the streets in my bathrobe and slippers. Not lately, anyway.

c. My girlfriend is better than his.

His girlfriend                                                                                                                     My girlfriend

d. I know I haven't invented anything (yet) but I am writing a movie which, I'm pretty sure is going to be the Citizen Kane of this century only not boring. It involves ghost-zombies or ghombies. That's right. Ghombies. In space. Muthafuckin' Ghombies in Muthafuckin' Space. People will keep watching my movie in shock and awe long after his stupid Facebook servers explode in his nasally exaggerated face.

Too fuckin' right

e. If I had a mythical amount of money in my bank account I would turn into either Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne. Or both. Or at least into a super-villain of some sort. Why is there no Iron Man or Batman flying around being all cool and shit? Because people with insane amounts of money are boring.

Bottom line: I'm not jealous of him. Not at all. I am superior and I know it. It's society that's keeping me down. And to prove a point, after I post this, I'm turning off my computer for a few hours and you should totally join me. Unless updating your Facebook status from your phone takes forever in which case, I understand.

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See this shit?

 

STOP IT!

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Smoothie of the sexes and why I must never leave the house

You wake up and it's a beautiful day. The sun is burning your eyes, the birds just won't shut up and you must leave your comfortable bed because you refuse to be that loser who spends the day in front of his computer doing nothing but talk shit online, plus, you have to go to the supermarket at some point for that daily sense of accomplishment.

So you drag your carcass out the door and you start walking slowly since walking fast and updating your Foursquare at the same time is not only dangerous but also the GPS doesn't update that fast. In between check-ins you have time to glance around and you start noticing something incredible. Girls going about their business, passing by other girls, talking on the phone, texting, touching their boobies, eating non-fat yoghurt, drinking frappuccinos, doing their nails, having naked pillow-fights and generally, being girly (What? I said I "glanced". I saw girls, the rest I assumed). And guys. Guys cussing, spitting and adjusting their crotch, combing their chest hair and other manly things while fully clothed (there, balance). But the incredible thing isn't that I came in contact with other humans, no. The incredible thing is how much alike everyone looked.

Today, on my way to the store

I'd never really paid much attention, what with being an asexual amoeba and all but boy, do they all look the same or what! Females of all ages with badly dyed hair, a fringe covering half their faces and pointy extensions in a shade that almost matches their colour, fake eyelashes making them look like they're in a constant state of shock, two buckets of foundation and light pink lipstick for the obligatory "doll-like" lips. 

Guys mostly sporting the Bieber-fringe on their (again) badly dyed hair, oversized glasses, some sort of hat or hair accessory, messenger bag and skinny jeans with mismatched shoes or some "revolutionary" touch like that. Oh, and checkered shirts. Dear lord the checkered shirts! And, I know, I have one in my wardrobe but I'm forgiven because I'm me and I'm also a part-time lumberjack.

Me. True Story

Why? Where in the process of being unique did you take a left in Albuquerque and you ended up looking like everyone else? Is it too late to go back? Guys, I think you are mostly to blame here. You see, in my opinion, women respond. And they responded to this:

Look at this tough motherfucker

with this:

Classy, eh?

So it is only understandable that to this:

You

They have to respond with this:

Your girlfriend

And can you blame them? Almost all of you look 12 and a bit, how to put this politely without hurting your feelings... A bit half and half. Half gay, half extremely gay. And that's only good if you're actually gay. So women had to adjust and they've ended up looking like 10 year old boys with long hair (think Taylor Lautner in Twilight but with a wee-bit more make-up) and the worst part is that you seem to be finding this attractive which, of course, results to this:  

Don't think he won't hate you the moment he goes to school

Bottom line: Men stop spoiling it for the few lumberjacks in need of variety and go back to being the cussing, spitting, crotch-adjusting, chest-hair-combing men your forefathers were. Now, I'm not saying be cave-men all of a sudden but it would help if you stopped injecting your dicks with estrogens. Again, I saw guys that look a lot like girls. The rest I'm assuming.

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You Tube's Finest

Generally, I am against bashing people that did not willingly put themselves in the spotlight. So the drunken teenager whose friends uploaded a video of on YouTube is off limits to me. But any celebrity, big or small and generally, anyone who cheerfully volunteers a video of themselves doing something even remotely weird well, this is the internet and I'm going to rip you a new one. Which brings us to today's topic. Youtube: Why-Did-They-Allow-You-To-Do-This Edition.

1. Black Out Band - Video Games

Sample lyrics: I don't want to go to school, I just want to be a fool. Just want to play video games, everything else is really lame.

Yep. I would like to think that all the children involved in this video have parents or guardians of some sort and still, no one thought that this might not be a good idea. They all happily sat down when the filming was over, watched this abomination and thought "Wow, this was a great idea, our kids are so gifted"!

2. LFO - Summergirls

Sample lyrics: New Kids On The block,had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick. And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer...

It's like Cypress Hill met N'Sync, took them out on a date, came back home, made sweet, sweet love, got them pregnant and a few days later, disappeared. N'Sync, heartbroken, wanting nothing more to do with Cypress Hill, felt they had no choice but to have an abortion. 

LFO are said abortion only less musically skilled.

3. Vee - Mix CD

Sample lyrics: Maybe your door is shut, but your heart is still cut, listen, you're meant to be my guy just like a bird is meant to fly. I'm gonna slip my CD under your bolted door and hopefully it'll evoke the feelings you had before.

I won't comment on the voice or the lyrics. If her friends and family haven't made her see what a musical failure she is then nothing I say will make a difference. What I can comment on is the obvious fact that the ex-boyfriend whose feelings she's trying to evoke has flamboyantly turned gay after being with her. I don't blame the dude.

4. CJ Fam - Ordinary Pop Star

Sample lyrics: I want to be an ordinary pop star. I want to be like those normal girls. I want to live a regular life again, like going to school and having good friends. You know, you know what I mean?

Those Arc Music Factory pedophiles should all be shot, these kids should be in therapy and their parents behind bars. That is all.

5. Tonje Langeteig - I Don't Wanna be a Crappy Housewife

Sample lyrics: I woke up one morning and I thought I was young but no, no, no, my youth was gone. I don’t wanna be a crappy housewife that’s why right now, to the disco I go.

You'd better strive to be a good housewife or anything else for that matter because you sure as hell not going to be a singer.

Bottom line: If you know someone who thinks they can sing and insists on making a fool out of themselves on the Internet in their efforts to become a superstar, please kick them in the groin/boobs repeatedly until they agree it's a bad idea. If they still want to do it, lock them up in a room where this is playing non-stop. And if when they come out they still want to do it, let them. I'll take it from there.

And this concludes the Why-Did-They-Allow-You-To-Do-This edition of You Tube epics. When my ears stop bleeding, I'll follow up with the What-Were-You-Thinking edition. Until then, feel free to comment or message me with any suggestions. I don't bite.

Usually.

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My worst nightmare in pictures

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The art of being a scarf-wearing, self-righteous bourgeois anomaly...

...most commonly known as a vegan. Now before we start, let me get something out of the way. Vegetarians who have made the decision for themselves and do not rub it in other people's faces, whatever your reasons may be, we're cool, you may be excused. Everyone else, read carefully, especially if you look like this:

To whomever started this trend: Fuck you

How sad must your life be if you so desperately need to belong somewhere, anywhere, that you choose to be a nutritional Scientologist? You can say you do it out of love for animals but I am an omnivore and I too love animals. I love them medium-rare and tenderly marinated in delicious barbeque sauce. Look at this and tell me your mouth isn't watering.

You are lying to yourselves

Vegan-ism and all the subgroups (raw vegans, fruitarians etc) are mostly people who jumped on the bandwagon - they are part of a pop-culture more than they are part of a life-preserving "movement". No different from teenagers posting profile pictures of themselves in hipster glasses making pouty faces (most vegans are teenagers posting profile pictures of themselves in hipster glasses making pouty faces anyway).

I didn't even edit it

Vegans are so ill-informed and misguided that in their efforts of preserving herbivore life, they are denying their nature and have turned into grass-eating herbivores themselves. Or a-vores. Cause lately we have been getting a lot of people not eating anything that casts a shadow *enter hysterical laugh*. You lying bastards. Most of you are secretly eating fish, eggs and/or meat because the chances of you staying healthy if you don't, are slim.  Fatigue, depression, vitamin deficiencies are only some of the health issues strict vegans have to face until they give in and have a scrumptious, succulent steak. If you don't believe me, ask your doctor (no, your Chinese acupuncturist is not a doctor) what he had for dinner last night.

Bottom line: If you want to spend the rest of your years as depressed, lifeless carcasses then you might as well voluntarily throw yourselves on my plate because that's what we, normal people, do - we put our incisors to good use by eating the delicious beings that have little or no interest in meat. We don't eat wolves but we do eat cows. If you can't eat me, I will. I'm not a cannibal but my point is, I could be. And you would be the entrée. And that's what would happen if we flipped the situation around and omnivores suddenly lost their shit and turned into strict carnivores. We would eat you. But we won't. Because we're not sick in the brain. You know why?

Because of our balanced diet.

I realize that in this post I talk about pretentious douche-bags and for some reason I failed to mention the always relevant Starbucks. 

So... Starbucks.

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Facebook etiquette and how snuggly it fits in your ass

Today we're going to talk about the things I see on my Facebook page that make me want to scream in despair. It has come to the point where I know that every time I log in, one of the first posts I see will be something that will piss me off. Let's break it down.

1. The Tweeter

i just dropd a chip on da flor!!1!!!11! LOL #totalretard

Or the more douche-baggy:

I will be turning my TV off for an hour tonight #savetheplanet

What do you think you're doing?

This is Facebook. You can do the hash-tag posts on Twitter. Twitter is not Facebook. There is a reason I am here and not there. So TAKE YOUR SHIT TO TWITTER MORON! #iwillkillyourlittlebluebirdfasterthanyoucantypeomg

2. The "Get-a-Room"

Oh My God

No one needs to see this. No one cares! I get that love turns you into a flaming homosexual but when you splatter this nonsense all over Facebook, we don't buy it! You don't come out as being in love, you come out of the closet as an insecure little girl who is afraid of dying alone. Cut it out.

3. The Youtuber

X shared this shit, X shared that crap... Video after video, song after song you are driving me insane! One video, OK. Two videos, fair enough. After that, knock it off! If this is your subtle way of making me know you are sad because your girlfriend dumped you or that you are secretly in love with me, send me a private message! What? These songs are not about me? Then why are you spamming my news feed? See where I'm going with this, idiot? PM the asshole whose dick you want to suck. He'll probably say yes anyway. If you're male and you're guilty of this, deactivate your account and go be your lame self somewhere else.

Screw you for subjecting me to this over and over again

4. Da White Thug

Yo yo homie yo

If you're a pasty white 15 year old girl who types like this "yo fuck englis dis homgurl speek ebonics yo!" there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You sound ridiculous, people laugh behind your back and frankly, you make me cringe. I wouldn't say you deserve to die in a fire but you deserve to die in a fire.

5. The Sensitive One

 

In memory of those who lost the battle against cancer, and those who continue fighting. I pray for a cure. 92% of you won't copy & paste this text to their Facebook profile status, will you? I DID, for those I love. Proud to be part of the 8%!!

The Girl you just called fat? She has been starving herself & has lost over 30lbs. The Boy you called stupid, he has a learning disability & studies over 4hrs a night. The Girl you called ugly? She spends hours putting make-up on hoping people will like her. The Boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. There's a lot more to people then you think. Put this as your status if you're against bullying.

And many, many more. The new era chain-mail. If you've done that, you are a moron. It doesn't make you look sensitive and kind. It makes me think of you as the annoying children of the corn that knock on my door at 7 in the morning asking me if I've accepted God as my lord and savior. Honestly, you don't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. If you really want to help then...

Bottom line: If you fall into any of the above categories, kindly fuck off and don't come back until you get your shit together.

There's so much more to say on this subject but I have better things to do (consume alcohol). I'll do a follow-up some other time when I'm too drunk to care about spending my time in a constructive way but for now, to all of you sane people out there, keep being awesome!

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