Movies that raped my childhood and never called back

As I've said before, I'm an 80s child. Anyone can understand, that decade was extremely important for my development and looking back, I'm surprised I turned out to be such a balanced, outgoing, optimist. You see, the fashion might have been kitsch, the music might have been mostly awful but the movies... the movies were brilliant. Except the ones addressed to children. They were horrifying.

What the fuck, man?

I don't know what made the producers back then think that all children were the offspring of Pedro Lopez and Ebenezer Scrooge but fucking hell, they didn't like us. I cried the same as every other kid when Mufasa died in Lion King (fuck you Disney) but my poor psyche had already been molested on multiple occasions by then - I was kind of used to it.

Exhibit A - Gremlins

A Christmas movie for the whole family to enjoy. We've all seen it, we've all loved it, we've all been emotionally scarred by it. The concept of conniving monsters destroying anything they can get their long scrawny fingers on is quite disturbing. Breaking, looting, playing with guns, setting things on fire and even killing is what every child needs to see, especially on Christmas day. 

The cute, fluffy Gizmo was the reason I loved this movie but Stripe was the one that kept visiting me in my dreams...

My nemesis. We meet again.

Exhibit B - Return to Oz

Have you seen this movie? No? Allow me to punch your soul in the nuts:

And if you feel uneasy when you see people in roller blades and you can't quite put your finger on the reason why, let me refresh your memory.

Die innocence, die.

Exhibit C - All Dogs Go to Heaven

...eventually and after my little heart had broken into seventeen different pieces never to be whole again. The Scarface of kiddie films is about a hustler-dog, Charlie, who dies and goes to Hell. Twice. We're talking hot lava dragons, skeleton boat, demonic torturing hell. 

The eyes. Fuck you eyes

The only thing that this movie has to offer is the lifelong lesson that revenge is more important than anything, even saving your soul from eternal damnation. You see, in order for Charlie to get his revenge, he not only cons a little orphan girl into thinking that he's trying to find her the perfect parents but he also fucks up her chances when a couple actually want to adopt her. 

Woof.

Exhibit D - Watership Down

In this wonderful children's tale we have bloodshed, graphic murders and a character called The Black Rabbit of Death. The book was written by Richard Adams, a WWII veteran who basically describes his war experiences using animals instead of people.

Enter Platoon music

Just because you animate something doesn't immediately make it appropriate for children, fucktards.

Exhibit E - Plague Dogs

The Holy Grail of creepy kids' movies. I mean... Plague Dogs? Really? Because anyone who hears that title will immediately think you're talking about a children's animated movie - obviously! Why make this? Why?

Seriously, if no one has subjected you to this horrific nightmare of a movie, consider yourself extremely lucky and move along. Don't ever watch it and don't ever allow your kids to watch it. Unless you hate kids in which case, you are probably the producer of "Plague Dogs" in which case... screw you, you sadistic bastard.

Animal cruelty, black plague experiments, schizophrenia, torture, gruesome deaths and no redeeming moment in sight. What? You're curious? Here, have a look at this:

No, that's not the most traumatizing scene of the film. 

Bottom line: There is no bottom line. I know we've all watched them and we turned out (mostly) fine but that still doesn't answer the question why they thought the target group for these movies were children aged 4-12 (I'm pulling numbers out of my ass here but that's how old I was when I saw them). Why?

I had more to share with you but I'm too depressed now. 

Fuckin'el.

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