A few years ago I had to have surgery on my right hand (enter masturbation joke). The pain was excruciating so naturally, I never want to go through that again but my doctor is a pessimist and said that I'd probably have to. It's only normal that ever since then, I've had the very genuine fear that my right hand would snap off when I least expect it. Maybe one day I'll be eating peanuts, I will lower my hand in the bowl and it'll never come back up; I won't even know until I put my stubby arm in my mouth.
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| Gory demonstration |
Yeah.
A little background here. As a child I watched a lot of movies that freaked me out. But only one made me wake up and violently jump off the bed screaming because my own hand had touched my own back.
For those of you who don't know, Michael Caine loses his hand in an accident and thinks that his missing limb has gone mad and is now repurposing itself by killing people left and right.
I hadn't even watched the goddamn movie - I just watched the trailer but apparently that was enough to scar me for life. So you understand that, even now, my hand snapping off and going on a murderous spree is a real possibility for me.
I've been keeping an eye on that bastard. I'm treating it royally. Even though I'm right-handed - if the left can do it with any shred of dignity, it will. Of course this means I've grown heavily dependent on my left hand; honestly, I'm pretty much abusing it. While the left is doing almost everything, the right is just hanging out, feeling superior in its half thumb glove thingy, always looking like it's on its way to cycle or play bowling. And yet the left one never complains. I thought I had a good thing going.
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| Smug prick |
Ever since we moved to this apartment we've been hearing this sound coming from outside our windows at random times. It's a shriek much like a velociraptor would make. We've repeatedly tried to figure out the origin but to no avail, there is nothing there that could possibly make that noise. So naturally we agreed that it has to be a real velociraptor in hiding - probably trying to avoid crazy scientists who want to perform freaky experiments on him. Every time we hear the shriek we laugh it off saying Velie is probably hungry. Having not seen him, my imagination run wild. In my mind he kind of looked like this:
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| Yes, that is a pterodactyl attached to Velie's back. Dinoception |
As it turns out, I was probably more accurate than I would have cared for.
Yesterday I was making pasta. I was holding the pot with my left hand, moving it from the cooker to the sink. Right then, Velie made a noise - a noise so horrific that only a creature like the one depicted above could possibly make. I jumped out of my skin. My left arm twitched inwards in an effort to not drop the pot and just like that, it gave up. I barely managed to salvage dinner; my left hand was dead.
Today it just refuses to do any work. It took me 4 hours to write this post - the pain is too much. Imagine giving birth to a chair while getting kicked in the balls. Too much. And I can't just go to the doctor, I hate doctors, they're bad luck. Every time I go to one they find a million things wrong with me and I really don't want to die.
I cannot believe both of my hands are malfunctioning at the same time. It can't be a coincidence.
I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it.
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