I booked my holiday, stay out of my way

Soon I will be fucking off for a week for it is finally time for my summer holiday. So what if it'll be Christmas soon? I'm too special to conform (plus I'm skint and everything is miles cheaper now). Unfortunately, while the prospect of sun, alcohol and brilliant nothingness excites me, I have the actual travelling part to dread.

Do I have to?

I love doing new things, seeing new places - I'm just not a big fan of the whole "getting there" ordeal.  This is what I have to do for my October trip: 3 hours of train-travel with 2 changes on the night before (since there are no late-night trains). Arrive at the city centre just after midnight. From there, take a bus to the airport. And then wait. And wait. And wait. Check-in first thing in the morning and then, 5 hours later... "You have reached your destination". But throughout all that there is one thing, one thing that makes travelling almost unbearable - human interaction. 

Typical travelers

Something happens to people on planes, something magically horrifying. Each and every traveler, whether coming or going, is irritated, anxious, tired, hungry, thirsty, rude and obnoxious. The moment people step foot on a plane, we turn into 5 year olds on long car-drives. Only our father is not there to play the "are we there yet?" game and our mother doesn't  have extra snacks and fruit-juice in her bag for us. 

We are devastatingly alone while the person next to us is coughing furiously, the kid behind us is kicking our seat while crying loudly and the person standing over us is trying to shove a Louis Vuitton imitation supersized bag in the overhead compartment causing an avalanche of coats and handbags on our head. 

You know the one

And then there's the Chatter. Oh, how I loathe you Chatter. Not because you like to talk to strangers, no - sometimes I don’t mind the entertainment. But not for 5 hours and not while all of the above are taking place at the same time. 

Why don't you shut-up when you see me reaching for my earphones?  Why do I have to experience that awkward situation where I have successfully shoved one in my ear but the hand that's holding the other earphone is left lingering inches away from my head just because your lips won't stop moving? Do you want me to be rude? 

Once, a Chatter actually invited herself to my imaginary (her imagination, not mine) future wedding. I'm not joking - she asked if I was in a relationship, I said "yes" and then, she thought it was appropriate to give me her card and tell me to call her before I get married so she can make arrangements to be there. I mean... what? She then started going on and on about her sons and how they don't want to settle down and blah blah blah. Chatter, you have never been interesting enough to make me want to listen to your stories for hours at a time so why try? 

No we won't

Anyone can guess the upcoming flight's main topic of conversation. The economy. By the time we land, I know I will be completely and utterly depressed, feeling guilty that I’m spending money on "luxuries" when I should be saving every penny I can get my hands on before we go to war or something.

Not a good start to a holiday, is it?

I can see it happening: My ears will start to buzz, a vague claustrophobic feeling will overcome me and the grim realization that I have nowhere to go will spread its roots in my lower abdomen, pressing on my bladder making me want to pee. I don't like peeing in aeroplane-bathrooms! It’s all your fault Chatter. Why do you always have to sit next to me? 

And I just know you sonofabitch, 

I know you'll sit next to me again on my way back.

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