The Room and how it instantly found a place in my "Movies To Be Buried With" list

Why wasn't I aware of this movie? Honestly, I feel sad that I could have watched The Room years ago and I didn't. I've missed out on so many things! Late night screenings, friends, alcohol... This movie is so incredibly, unbelievably bad it turns out to be... well... beautiful! I'm at a loss for words. 

Not really. 

The Room is written, directed and produced by Tom Wiseau who is also, you guessed it, the main character, Johnny. Johnny is a lovable guy who works for a bank and his whole suburban life revolves around his fiancée Lisa and his buddies, Mark and Denny. 

Lisa, Johnny, Denny and Mark

In reality Johnny is an awkward, narcoleptic, Eastern-European yeti in a suit who is trying to imitate humans by repeating certain phrases (oh, hai!) and seems to be getting away with it. 

It's not human, is it?

Lisa is a transgender gold-digger whose male to female transition would have been 100% successful if it wasn't for her strong jawline and her farmer man-hands. 

Lisa has been with Johnny for 5 years and is supposed to marry him in a month but she's grown tired of him for no apparent reason other than his failure to get a promotion. They still end up having "sex" twice in the first 10 minutes of the movie. In fact, at some point, Denny follows them in the bedroom and admits he likes to watch them.

Denny is a 30 year old 18 year old orphan who appears to be retarded. Johnny, having a great yeti heart only to be surpassed by that of Harry Henderson, is paying for his apartment (in the same building) and his tuition. He also wants to adopt Denny despite the fact that he's a grown-up and he's hitting on his fiancée. Denny is always at the door but very rarely crosses the threshold or takes his hand off the doorknob which leads me to believe that he is, in fact, a vampire.

Get used to seeing him like this

The sex isn't sex at all but some kind of animal mating ritual where the male sprinkles the local flora on the female and then grinds on her ribcage while moaning in ecstasy - without ever opening his mouth! Unfortunately, the second time they perform this ritual is less exciting seeing as, even though it's the next day, Tom Wiseau decided to just replay the first scene. And that only means that he gets to moon us twice. And when I say moon, I mean lunar landscape.

If your ass looks like this, never take a video of it

Lisa's friend, Michelle uses Johnny's apartment as a "love nest" and this has nothing to do with the plot but I feel obligated to mention it because, well, this is Michelle's lover getting head.

One of the better performances of the movie and my current wallpaper

Here is where the plot thickens. Lisa, out of the blue and for no valid reason, falls in love with Mark, the best buddy and invites him over when Johnny is at work. There she seduces him and they end up having sex even though Mark is a good guy and he didn't mean to but his boner betrayed him.

Mark is unfortunately much more delicate than trans-Lisa so he cannot resist the way she, so seductively, runs her sausage fingers through her oily blonde hair or the unintentional sexuality that her thick, dark brown eyebrows ooze. Also, in this scene we inevitably come to the conclusion that Lisa's vagina moves around her body a lot and it takes a skilled lover to follow it. 

The farmer and the passive homosexual

Lisa's mother, Claudette insists on her daughter marrying Johnny even after Lisa has lied to her (and everyone else apparently, including Johnny) that he got drunk and hit her. After all, Johnny is providing for her and that's what's important. Oh and, Claudette announces she has breast cancer in the same way she would mention the neighbour buying a new car.

In reality Claudette is a chameleon trying to blend in with the background.

It's not just me, right?

The next day Lisa throws him a birthday party even though three days pass until we actually see the party scene where she announces that she is pregnant. She's not - she just wants "to make it more interesting". Suddenly, Johnny and Lisa have been together for 7 years even though only a few days have gone by since the story started and that's when he finds out that she's been cheating on him with Mark. Then he finds out again (because once is never enough), has a fight with Mark and Mark decides that he loves his friend no more. Lisa leaves Johnny, Johnny kills himself and Mark, Lisa and Denny cry over his dead body. 

Aaaaand scene.

Token Scene (because I could not possibly begin to explain with words how bad the acting, directing, editing and dubbing - yeah - actually is):

“As far as I'm concerned, you can fall off the earth. That's a promise.”

Bottom line: Worst. Movie. Ever.

And I loved every minute of it.

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