The painful ordeal of going to the supermarket

By now, those of you bothered enough to visit this shithole of a blog regularly, know that I hate people. I mean, I'm a proper misanthropist - partly because I suffer from a severe case of agoraphobia, cacophobia and other Greek words and partly because, well, people are assholes. So I've made a pact with The God of Little Things; I mostly stay inside the house, depriving the world of my prickness and in return, the world leaves me alone. Win-win. And it was almost perfect.

Almost. 

You see, I also hate shopping. When I have to go to the "big Tesco's" for the "big shopping" at the beginning of the month, I get upset. I mean "I want to put babies on spikes" upset (let's see who gets this reference). The trolleys with the wobbly wheels, the kids running around like savage monkeys, the smells - predominantly the wet feet smell - the pregnant women who are, seemingly, everywhere... Everything. I find everything to be particularly irritating (the "big shopping" is my time of the month) and that results in me getting a horrible headache during the first 5 minutes of my supermarket trip. 

The thought alone makes me cry vomit tears

So I do this thing where I put my head down, fix my left, list-yelding hand in front of my body so that I always maintain eye-contact with the list and I go. My only conscious function is to look at the list and pretend I chant the groceries so I don't forget anything when in reality, I entertain myself by calling people names like "twatwaffle" and "Katie Price" under my breath - everything else I do mechanically. Ketchup? Ketchup. Tomatoes? Tomatoes. I don't look, I just throw things in my trolley. 

Look at me go

This technique significantly reduces the time I spend in the store but has two major drawbacks. I am pretty sure I end up spending more money than I could have because I don't price check. I mean I could be paying 10 quid for a jar of jam; I wouldn't know. The second drawback is that if they move, say the eggs, to a different aisle, I'm doomed - no eggs for me. 

Overall, I have about a 70% success rate. Not too shabby if it's cheese and milk you're missing. If it's toilet paper and noodles, it's disasterous.

So I decided to start doing my shopping online. A little late, I know, but I got there. I signed up, I located the search bar and triumphantly typed in"toilet paper". It came up with 3 pages of possibilities. I never knew there were so many toilet paper options out there! Suddenly, I was very uncertain of my decision to join the 21st century. I don't like having choices; I'm like a child in that way (and that way only). I spent 5 hours trying to decide between products I didn't even know existed, I had a headache and I was cranky. If you threw in a pregnant woman* with wet feet on the couch, I might as well have been back at the store.

But I stuck with it. I kept my eye on the prize - if this worked I could go in early shopping menopause: no more dreadful shopping trips. 

First couple of times, 100% success. Get in. I had all my stuff and no babies were harmed during the shopping process. I was pleased but still not sure. I was spending more time shopping online than what I would have in the store. Was it worth it?

Third time, I figured I should start price checking.

Officially, there is no reason for me to leave the house ever again.

*Throwing pregnant women on couches is generally frowned upon.

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