Sunday

The painful ordeal of going to the supermarket

By now, those of you bothered enough to visit this shithole of a blog regularly, know that I hate people. I mean, I'm a proper misanthropist - partly because I suffer from a severe case of agoraphobia, cacophobia and other Greek words and partly because, well, people are assholes. So I've made a pact with The God of Little Things; I mostly stay inside the house, depriving the world of my prickness and in return, the world leaves me alone. Win-win. And it was almost perfect.

Almost

You see, I also hate shopping. When I have to go to the "big Tesco's" for the "big shopping" at the beginning of the month, I get upset. I mean "I want to put babies on spikes" upset (let's see who gets this reference). The trolleys with the wobbly wheels, the kids running around like savage monkeys, the smells - predominantly the wet feet smell - the pregnant women who are, seemingly, everywhere... Everything. I find everything to be particularly irritating (the "big shopping" is my time of the month) and that results in me getting a horrible headache during the first 5 minutes of my supermarket trip. 

The thought alone makes me cry vomit tears

So I do this thing where I put my head down, fix my left, list-yelding hand in front of my body so that I always maintain eye-contact with the list and I go. My only conscious function is to look at the list and pretend I chant the groceries so I don't forget anything when in reality, I entertain myself by calling people names like "twatwaffle" and "Katie Price" under my breath - everything else I do mechanically. Ketchup? Ketchup. Tomatoes? Tomatoes. I don't look, I just throw things in my trolley. 

Look at me go

This technique significantly reduces the time I spend in the store but has two major drawbacks. I am pretty sure I end up spending more money than I could have because I don't price check. I mean I could be paying 10 quid for a jar of jam; I wouldn't know. The second drawback is that if they move, say the eggs, to a different aisle, I'm doomed - no eggs for me. 

Overall, I have about a 70% success rate. Not too shabby if it's cheese and milk you're missing. If it's toilet paper and noodles, it's disasterous.

So I decided to start doing my shopping online. A little late, I know, but I got there. I signed up, I located the search bar and triumphantly typed in"toilet paper". It came up with 3 pages of possibilities. I never knew there were so many toilet paper options out there! Suddenly, I was very uncertain of my decision to join the 21st century. I don't like having choices; I'm like a child in that way (and that way only). I spent 5 hours trying to decide between products I didn't even know existed, I had a headache and I was cranky. If you threw in a pregnant woman* with wet feet on the couch, I might as well have been back at the store.


But I stuck with it. I kept my eye on the prize - if this worked I could go in early shopping menopause: no more dreadful shopping trips. 

First couple of times, 100% success. Get in. I had all my stuff and no babies were harmed during the shopping process. I was pleased but still not sure. I was spending more time shopping online than what I would have in the store. Was it worth it?

Third time, I figured I should start price checking.


Officially, there is no reason for me to leave the house ever again.

*Throwing pregnant women on couches is generally frowned upon.

4 comments:

Mrs Superhans said...

Crazy Eddie reference was welcomed!

I'm shocked you didn't include the huge groups of chav women who stand and chat in the centre of the aisle with their trollies and hideous children blocking everyone's way. And the rest of the population who expect you to move out of their way and have no regard for your shopping experience. I have to have a cigarette before I go in and when I go out so I don't stab anyone whilst I'm in there.

You were lucky with the online shopping. I only did it once, when they told me that half the stuff I wanted wasn't in stock so they replaced everything with alternatives that were 4 times the price.
xoxo
Mrs SH

Seisyll Riagán said...

I am referring to chavs. Given the fact that most of the population here are wearing those hideously colourful tracksuit pants and huge NY Yankees (why?) caps, unfortunately, I only feel the need to differentiate when I talk about normal people.

They did replace my Coke with Coke light the first time and I will have my revenge for that but now I select the "do not substitute anything or I will eat your face" option and I'm good.

You're lucky you still have your smokes. I quit months ago and that's the main reason why I never want to leave the house anymore. I don't have the strength to face the outside world and I don't want to start doing drugs now. I'm too old, I would die in like, 4 days.

I would much rather have some cake instead of death ;)

Anonymous said...

Loved the Eddie Izzard reference...

Seisyll Riagán said...

All hail the Izzard army!