Cold callers: What you can do to annoy them

We use the Internet, we use our cellphones, do we really need our house phone anymore? More and more people have unplugged their devices or cancelled their landline altogether but not me. Nope, I had to be different so when we moved house a few months ago, I thought to myself: Let's go retro, let's install a house phone. 

If I could go back in time and kick me in the ear, I would.

To my past self

It lasted two days - we plugged it in Sunday and Tuesday morning we got our first call. I got genuinely excited. You know how sometimes you hear a familiar sound from your past and this vague nostalgic feeling overcomes you because your brain has associated that sound with a happy memory? Something like that. I picked up the phone and even if my brain was still half asleep I answered the call with the jolliest voice I could muster. It was an automated message trying to inform me about frozen peas.

That day we got 6 calls, all from different companies and since that day we've been getting 5-8 calls a day, Monday to Saturday, sometimes Sunday. I'll be generous and count 5 a day and not include Sunday, that still comes to about 1000 calls in 8 months. 1000 cold calls and 4 calls from family. That was worth it, eh? And the most annoying thing is that it's mostly automated messages, or dead lines, or fax noises so I can't really mess with them. Because I like messing with them. I feel sorry for the people who have to do that for a living but you're calling my house without my permission so fuck you. Plus, that phone cost a fortune and since the reason behind the purchase in now nullified, I'm going to get my money's worth in entertainment. Today, I'm sharing what I've learned with you, so start taking notes. 

Your end is near

First of all, the best thing to do if you want them to stop calling altogether, is to learn a few words in a foreign language - the more obscure the better. Then answer the phone saying those words and keep repeating them - in less than 30 seconds they will have ended the call and they won't call back. They don't like wasting their time when they know they can't make a sale so if they think you can't speak any language other than Latin, they won't bother you again.

Do it for the cause

Now for the fun part. The best thing you can do to annoy them is to go along with what they are saying. This might take a bit of time so only apply this method when you have nothing else to do. Be perfectly pleasant and ask questions about the product. Get them talking. When you feel ready, agree to buy, and make it expensive. Let them think they're making a huge sale. At this point the salesperson will usually put you through to their supervisor to finalize the sale. Give them fake details and right before you give them your fake credit card number or something, go mental. Tell them you don't like the tone of their voice and you don't appreciate them talking to you in this hostile way. When they try to explain, tell them that you are calling your lawyer on your cellphone right now and that you will sue. If they don't end the call then, pretend you're talking to your lawyer and ask for their name, address etc. I've never had anyone stay on the phone for that part.

Would you?

Another favourite is "payback". You pick up the phone with a specific product in mind. Real or not, it doesn't make a difference as long as it sounds believable. They identify themselves and their company. You do the same. They start talking about their product. You do the same. They ask you questions. You answer and then, you do the same. If they want you to buy a subscription to "Fishing Weekly", they'll have to buy your product first, and it just so happens it costs the a little more than whatever they're trying to sell you. Keep a straight face and when they realize you mean it, you'll never hear from them again.

Alternatively, when they say they're calling from X company tell them you've been trying to call them for days and you haven't found the appropriate person to deal with your complaint. Kick up a stink about the quality of their product, tell them you bought their frozen peas and your child got food poisoning, you used their cell-phone and it exploded while charging, you tried their diet pills and your ears started bleeding - make it good. Take it as far as it will go and near the end, start taking everyone's details. Again, no one will stay on the line for this part.

 I bought your electric blanket and I am now homeless

There are loads of cold-call responses in my little book of wrath but I have to make something clear. I might be an asshole for doing this but I'm not completely heartless. I do think it's stupid trying to get anyone to buy anything over the phone but some people are obviously still falling for it and for the telemarketers, it's a job, I know that. So I almost never do anything childish the first time someone calls me. I will talk to them about Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations, ask to be removed from their list and politely end the call. The second time though, you can't really blame me, can you? 

Tweet