Decaf and the reasons behind your stupidity

I used to work in a certain coffee store which I’m not going to name but I can safely describe as the place where coffee-drinking becomes an experience  - the urban hipsterhive of the century.

Quiz of the day

I both hated and loved working there - some of my colleagues were ace, others were assholes – but the thing that got me through the day was the customers. Contrary to popular belief, most of them are kind, normal people going about their business but there is a small percentage that makes up for the kindness, the yin to sanity’s yang, the complete douchebags. Guess who I enjoyed serving more. That’s right, the douchebags. 

Random picture selection: It's Britney, bitch

You see, when you work in a big store with thousands of people walking through the door every day you have little or no room to breathe let alone entertain yourself. And you have to find something to make you smile, trust me, you want the person responsible for your precious coffee to be in a good mood otherwise, god forbid, you might end up getting regular instead of decaf *the horror*!  

Cue my issue. Why does decaffeinated coffee exist? If someone doesn’t want the caffeine, wouldn’t they be better off, oh, I don’t know, not drinking coffee?

I’ve had people come in the store literally 1 minute before we lock the doors and not only ask me to brew a new batch of decaf but be adamant that it be done in the pot marked "Decaf". It’s OK if I have to dig it out, they’ll wait. No, the normal pot won’t do because even though everything is washed clean for the next day, caffeine particles might still be in it and we can’t have that now, can we? You know what would happen if I owned the store? I would happily burn it to the ground with that customer in it.

Put a normal coffee junkie in the same situation and they would be happy with anything I had to give them as long as it had caffeine in it. Filter coffee? Fine. Espresso? That’ll do! Tea? I’ll try anything once! Coffee brownie? Stick it in my gob! Caffeine injection in the eye? You’re the barista, you know better, NOW HIT ME!

Moral of the story: Decaf makes you difficult

Another favourite – and I would get this at least 5-6 times a day - was the Decaf Triple Tall Cappuccino. Normally you get one espresso shot in a tall beverage. With three shots, you get the heroin of coffees. Make it decaf and you’ve gone full retard. Enjoy your muddy milk.

Moral of the story: Decaf makes you stupid

People drinking decaffeinated beverages usually bastardize them even more by adding mountains of whipped cream, sprinkles and other things that don’t belong there. Also, unless it’s late at night, a straight man will rarely ask for it and if, for whatever reason, someone suggests decaf, his facial expression will slowly twist into this:

Moral of the story: Decaf turns you gay

And of course, each and every one of the decaf customers would feel the need to inform every person behind the bar of their stupid choice by going up to them, one by one and asking: "Are you sure this is decaf?", or exclaiming: "I ordered decaf!", or by questioning the barista's abilities in pressing buttons: "This doesn't look like decaf!".

Moral of the story: Decaf turns you into a pretentious dogturd

There was this one customer whose coffee of choice was, I shit you not, one normal, one decaf and one half-caff espresso shot in a grande half-caff filter coffee. Now tell me that this woman does not have OCD. It’s not her taste-buds that have determined her need for that very specific cup of coffee - proof of that was the fact that she rarely ever got the coffee she wanted but every possible variation of it. Not because we were assholes but simply because her order was a nightmare for the new employees and we always had new staff in. She never knew the difference. Every time she had a sip, she was so happy at the perfect balance coating the inside of her mouth that I wanted to scream.

Moral of the story: Decaf turns you mental

Bottom line: People drink coffee for the after-effects. Even if someone likes the taste, decaf tastes like warm piss - there is no way anyone can think of it as a delicious coffee substitute, so what is the point? There is none so stop being an idiot and start drinking regular coffee. And no, frappuccinos are not considered regular coffee.

Isn't today Punch-a-Pretentious-Fuckwit-in-the-Stomach day?

*To the bisexuals of coffee drinking (the people ordering half and half of any kind - coffee, milk, sugar, anything): There is a special place in hell filled with people like you and everyone, including your own parents, hate your guts.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Tweet