How to defend yourself against zombies

When it's time for the Zombie Apocalypse (and it will happen, believe you me), do you know what I'm going to do?

Survive - and you'd better do the same.

Don't panic

You have no excuse to not be prepared for the big day but I know for a fact that most of you are lazy and haven't given it any thought so I decided to help you out partly because I like you and partly because, well, I'm probably going to need reinforcements at some point (longest sentence in the history of blogging). I have never met a zombie in this life so I have to go by what Hollywood has taught me about the walking dead. Let's get cracking.

What we're up against

A thing to remember is that they might be ghouls now but were normal people not so long ago so they won't be able to do extraordinary things like read your mind or run like the Flash; worst case scenario, they have the same limitations they had when they were alive, and that's it. If they end up being more like the slow, retarded zombies we see in most movies then you must be an idiot if you can't escape them; let's call it natural selection and move on.

Always assume that it's worse than what it seems. They're like cockroaches - for every one you see there's a thousand you don't. The moment you can confirm that the dead have indeed risen, you are alone. Forget about the army, the police, the air-force; if they come to the rescue that's fine but don't sit around waiting for them, every moment is precious. It's your time to be the hero so go be one.

Here I come to save the day

Gather any survivors you have visual contact with (don't go outside on a rescue mission just yet) in a/your house and advise them to get dressed in a way that their body is protected. Show them what to do, everyone needs hope right now and a leader is the only hope most of these people will have plus, you just got your hot neighbour naked, you lucky dog.

Use everything within reach as armour. Motorcycle helmets, leather jackets, planks of wood, pots and pans, trays, even cushions if desperate - you can find good use for everything. No pretending to be cool wearing just your Rage Against the Machine T-shirt, there's no room for Alpha shit like that in the post-apocalyptic era. Put on 8 layers of clothing including that thick jumper your nana knit for you Christmas of '89 and you were too embarrassed to wear. Make sure you can still run and lift your arms in case you need to fight but always keep your ankles, hands and neck completely covered. Don't forget to colour co-ordinate, we're survivors, not savages.

Keep it cool

Now that you're all covered up, equip yourself with baseball bats, fire pokers, swords and knives (if it comes to that you're probably screwed but jam it in the eye upwards and hope for the best) and find your way to the closest big Tesco or Asda. Not Argos, not B&Q and most definitely, not the mall. You need a big store that sells food as well as everything else but that also has only two or three exits; anything else and it becomes next to impossible to protect.

Always think practically: If it was a popular place for humans it will be a popular place for zombies; not many people get bitten at home. Go to the store by avoiding main streets, hospitals, parks and the dole office. Make sure you have people keeping an eye left, right and behind your group - you never know where the next threat is going to present itself from.

Have eyes on your back

If you do get attacked, keep it simple. They want brains and so do you - go for the head. If you miss, swiftly go for the legs; floor a zombie and smashing its head becomes a piece of piss but remember, if you slash a zombie in half or decapitate it Highlander style, the head won't die hence the necessity for ankle protection. Don't use fire against them; a burning ghoul can still walk around for a long time before the fire gets the brain, if it ever does. A zombie on fire is far deadlier than a regular zombie.

So now you're at Asda. You will probably have to break a window or something to get in. You will have to block that hole from the inside later so make your life easier by making it small to begin with. Send a couple of people on a quick reconnaissance mission. Zombies inside? There has to be a Tesco close by you can vandalize. Empty? Congratulations, you're inside and you just bought yourself some valuable time.

Don't go nuts just yet

Find all the exits and temporarily block them with heavy things. Those outdoor tables are usually impossible to move - use one to reinforce the window you broke earlier. Once you're relatively safe fill almost all the containers with tap water; you might be able to survive on Coca Cola alone (if you're a moron and like Pepsi, throw yourself at the zombies now) but it's not very sanitary to try and wash yourself with it and soon you're going to be out of water and electricity.

DO NOT USE THE TOILETS. After a couple of days without running water the whole place will stink up. Take the rest of the containers on the rooftop and use them as toilets - when you fill one up seal the top, set it aside and forget about it. I don't see how you can run out of fluids but if you do, you might need to come back to your piss bins.

Remember, Asda sell water filter jugs

Now you have fluids, personal hygiene and food covered so you should be good for today and Man City are playing Man United so I have a game to watch (go City!). Come back tomorrow for the rest; or don't. 

It's your head on the line.

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