The idiot-proof guide to movie-guessing

Are you one of those people who everyone hates watching a movie with because you never seem to know what's going on and always feel the need to ask stupid questions? Are you ashamed of your cinematic retardation? Do you wish you could be that individual who always seems to know what will happen next in the film?

Spare yourself the heart-attack

I can help.

Every movie relies on certain clichés to help the story progress and all you have to do is learn how to decipher them. Mastering this technique will render you invincible against plot twists so make sure you know what you're getting yourself into before we start because once you know, watching a movie will never be the same.

If you are watching an action movie and you're really worried that the hero might not make it, all you have to do is read the signs. If the villain has him at gunpoint and decides to share every tiny detail of his devious plan (including where he's hidden the bomb/keeping the girl) right before he blows the hero's brains out, don't worry, he'll not only survive but also save the day and get the girl. If, on the other hand, the hero is a soldier who always carries a photo of his mom/fiancée/sister/dog with him for good luck, bet on the enemy; he'll probably step on a landmine soon. Same if he has plans for his future and can't wait for this unreasonable war to be over to go back to his family and live his life.

If you liked this movie, be ashamed - be very ashamed

In horror movies the car won't start until the very last minute and opposite to contrary belief, that's a good thing. It's an indicator that the driver will most probably survive. Unfortunately, the opposite applies if the car starts immediately. This usually means that the killer has actually tampered with the brakes or planted a bomb in the vehicle. Of course it could be that he is, in fact, sitting in the back seat, in which case the driver will take a glimpse of his face/mask in the rear view mirror right before he gets gutted like a fish.

If the plot involves a group of friends and a cabin in the woods, things are too easy. Everyone but the girl will die. At the very best you can expect the girl and the object of her affection to make it out alive but, I wouldn't bet on it. If you're hoping for a guy survivor, don't hold your breath; the world is not yet ready for such dramatic plot twists.

Also, the people who, after having witnessed 14 of their friends getting slayed by the mad serial killer, insist on walking around aimlessly, screaming out "JOSH! JOOOOSH! I'M SCARED!! IS ANYBODY THERE????", will get murdered and rightfully so; they are obviously morons who don't deserve to procreate.

Screaming isn't very effective when trying to hide from Jason

If someone reads a part of a book out loud, chances are they just summoned a demon/ghost. Someone will die but it's never the people who fucked up in the first place. Same as when a group of teenagers treat a ouija board as a joke. If it was a board game, you would be able to buy it at Toys Я Us; now enjoy your poltergeist.

As a general rule, horses are bulletproof but can and will go mental when dragging a carriage, usually after a creepy close-up of a horse's eye. Unless you are watching some urban-legend-type horror movie, no one will kill the dog or the baby. If a dog dies it will be of old age and not after it performs a heroic action - if the baby dies it will be because everyone was too drugged up to remember to feed it.

Skip to 00:30 to shit your pants

The importance of glasses in the movies: The action hero doesn't need glasses - his vision is 20/20 and his abs are made of steel; he's flawless. The intelligent one does - he has spent years buried in his books, we need to be able to tell. He has never so much as slapped anyone before so you can safely assume that by the end of the movie, he will have either transformed into a lean, ass-kicking machine or he will have had to kill someone; but only because he absolutely had to. That's ok, it's all part of the growing process.

If the glass-wearing object is a fat, bearded man with dirty hair whose favourite sport is to crack jokes (let's call him Seth Rogen), then we are faced with a whole different situation. He's not book-smart but computer-smart which opens the door to only one possibility: While the main character is off punching evil babies in the face somewhere, Seth will save the day by hacking into secret Pentagon files in 20" flat all the while having his feet up on the desk and 3 huge monitors in front of him (one for the job at hand, one for an online multiplayer game and one for porn).

OK, he's not wearing glasses but you get my point

Last but not least, if the girl is named after anything edible, don't trust her. She is easy and greedy; probably works for the villain who promised her a new car if she would manage to get the protagonist to reveal the code. Chances are she is stupid too; she will fall in love with the hero and betray the villain at the very last minute. Cookie/Peach/Candy/Brandy/Cherry will end up getting shot between her very prominent boobs.

And there you have it, the idiot-proof guide to movie-guessing. Now, you too can be that prick who spoils the fun for everyone, you too can be the person claiming they knew that Bruce Willis was dead all along - and no one will bat an eyelid.

I see things that aren't theeere like Bruce Willis with haiiir

Use your new awesome powers responsibly and if you're a writer, please make it harder for us because next time someone's phone runs out of battery while they get a flat tire in the middle of the desert, I will murder you.

No really, I will.

Tweet